The Truth About the Future

In the 1980’s, no doubt you imagined that the year 2000 would be filled with futuristic Jetsonesque wonders like flying cars, moving floors, and equality in the workplace. Oh, how very wrong you were. We at the Squelch are here to confirm or debunk the fantasies you have about the future, because we believe our readers deserve to hear the cold straight truth. And also because we enjoy crushing your stupid, stupid dreams.

Fantasy : “Everyone in the future will drive a flying car.”
Reality : Flying cars will be cheap to purchase and easy to fly. Unfortunately, they will only be able to fly straight up.

Fantasy : “All food will be consumed in pill form.”
Reality : Just the opposite. For example, a dose of Extra Strength Tylenol will be administered in the form of an entire fried turkey leg.

Fantasy : “Humans will unknowingly consume human flesh in the form of Soylent Green.”
Reality : No such product will ever exist. However, McDonalds will introduce the slightly less subtle “McPeople Deluxe.”

Fantasy : “Nanotechnology will cure all disease.”
Reality : True. Nanotechnology will cure all diseases that were caused by nanotechnology.

Fantasy : “The hole in the ozone layer will be repaired.”
Reality : True. But the much more dangerous hole in the earth’s crust will get much larger.

Fantasy : “Robots will be invented and work for the good of mankind.”
Reality : True, except for the robots on welfare.

Fantasy : “Cancer will be eradicated.”
Reality : True. Robots will no longer get cancer.

Fantasy**: “Man will make contact with alien life.”
Reality : True. Unfortunately, man will also make contact with alien charm, alien sofa, and ultimately, alien AIDS.

Fantasy : “The world will adopt an alternative source of energy.”
Reality : Also true. Unfortunately, “the world” is “the alien homeworld,” and the “alternative source of energy” is “human slaves.”

Fantasy : “The world will enter a utopian age of peace.”
Reality : True. Apocalyptic disasters will reduce the world’s population to two people, who get along well enough, technically constituting “world peace.” This golden age will end when one fails to invite the other to his birthday party, resulting in an age of “world awkwardness.”