O Canada!

As a Canadian living in America, I have come to realize that you guys know next to nothing about your neighbors to the north, nor do you express any desire to know us. What, you think you’re better than us just because you have a big army and big economy? You think that just because we’re civil and courteous that we’re just a bunch of ninnies who’ll bend over and take it? Well, I’ll tell you what, that really frosts my bacon! That’s right, I said it. I went there. Now, if you feel so inclined, if it wouldn’t bother you or cause you inconvenience, perhaps reading these tidbits about Canadian culture could prove helpful to you…fuckers.

Hockey is so pervasive in Canada that it has leaked over into other aspects of Canadian life. Keep this in mind while traveling in Canada: When looking for a bathroom, simply ask someone “Where’s the penalty box? I gotta drop some major pucks”. If he is unable to direct you to one, immediately drop any gloves you may be wearing and uppercut him repeatedly while pulling his jersey over his head. He will be wearing a jersey.

One of the hottest and most controversial issues in Canada is the proliferation of Inuit-porn. Nothing gets a Canadian off quite like some hot parka-on-parka action as heavily-clad women rub whale blubber all over their bodies, shoving hockey sticks in any and all orifices. Then come the seals…

Unlike the American Congress, we Canadians have a Parliament, a testament to our British overlords. A little known fact is that Parliament cannot proceed without a ceremonial scepter being placed on its stand. An even littler known fact is that when this scepter is combined with its counterparts in India, Britain, Scotland, and Australia, the powerful robot MechaHyfuron is formed, though most of his powers involve lifting tea embargoes.

Courtship in Canada is very unique. Typically, the male will approach the female with a phallus carved meticulously from ice demonstrating his desire to mate. Often this phallus will be attached to the man’s tongue…not because he’s…you know…he was just curious if it would really stick…seriously…shut up. The female will then project the sound of a dying caribou to announce her willingness, after which the male must present her with a diaphragm made from pure beaver pelt, none of that otter shit, the good stuff.

Pamela Anderson. Also, Shatner.

The ejaculate of an average American man consists of sperm and other fluids. We Canadians find this disgusting. Our man-juice has a wholly different composition. Syrup. 100% pure maple syrup. There are some downsides – withdrawal can be a painful process for both parties due to the unfortunate mixture of liquefied sugar and pubic hair. On the plus side, condoms become convenient condiment dispensers and the debate over ‘to spit or swallow’ is non-existent north of the border it’s like breakfast all day long!

American: Hey baby, that dress is really becoming on you, and if I were that dress, I’d be cumming too.
Canadian: Your pancakes look pretty dry there, eh?

None of our scientists can figure out why, but the Canadian population has stopped growing. In an unrelated but equally perplexing note, all sexually active Canadian females have diabetes of the crotch.