Alan Andrews, a UC Berkeley graduate student, developed strange, amazing powers last week when a surge of radiation altered his physical make up during a research study. On the morning of January 8th, Andrews life was changed forever when the sociological questionnaire he was filling out exploded.
Andrews, or “The Pollster” as he now wishes to be called, claims to have a superhuman knowledge of socio-economic statistics, including which groups are most likely to engage in criminal activity. “I’ve been given the power to predict crime before it starts,” says the Pollster, who reportedly has been involved in physical altercations with 17-year-old, lower-class, male minorities on six separate occasions, all of which have resulted in Andrews sustaining major injuries. No other persons involved were ever found, apprehended, or proven guilty of criminal activity (past or future). Andrews, however, remains adamant about his cause, saying, “I won’t rest until 100% of the population is safe!” Adding, “Plus or minus five.”
