The Diary of the Last Man on Earth

Janaury 18, 2008

It’s been three weeks now since the sky turned green and the storms began. I thought it was some kind of terrorist attack, or environmental disaster, but I’m at a loss for what really happened. I’ve been up and down the coast and all throughout the Southwest and there isn’t another living person anywhere to be found. I’m positive at this point that I’m the last person on Earth. I really wish this had happened after Lost finished.

February 28, 2008

The gravity of this situation is really sinking in. There’s nothing but static on the radios, no television signals, no power, no nothing. Driving around empty streets in this stolen Ferrari really isn’t as fun with no one to see me driving it.

May 12, 2008

Things I don’t miss: advertisements, Paris Hilton, traffic. Things I miss: my insulin.

July 20, 2008

Today marks the fifth coast to coast drive I’ve completed. It’s really easy with no other cars on the road. Five trips, Seattle to Boston, and I’ve yet to see another person who didn’t later turn out to be a man-shaped tree, a man-shaped rock, or a man-shaped school bus full of corpses.

October 2, 2008

I’m to the point where it’s hard to remember what having electricity was like, but I’m not worried. As long as I stay near what used to be civilization, I’ll have all the canned food I’ll ever need. I found a dog, a yellow labrador, and named him Tobasco. It makes me wonder if there are more dogs around. Tobasco makes things a little less lonely. Plus I’ve been regularly fucking him.

January 14, 2009


March 2, 2009

One of the other dogs I picked up got a hold of the gasoline and burned down the marijuana crop, so that takes care of those hobbies. I’ve decided that I’m not going to live the rest of my life as some kind of burned out pothead. I’m going to the library, I’m going to become a scholar. I will absorb the wisdom of all the great authors and become a modern-day Buddha.

March 3, 2009


July 4, 2009

I celebrated this Independence Day by moving into the White House. I sit around in the old president’s pajamas, ride my scooter through the hallways, and pick up the red phone in the oval office and say, “Nuke ‘em? I hardly even know ‘em!” I always have a good laugh about that. How come I’m so funny now that there’s no one around?

November 2, 2009

First Dog Tobasco came in and gave me the good news. I won the election and enter a second term as President. I think my strategy of amending the Constitution to bar dogs from holding public office really thinned the competition.

March 1, 2010

National Security Advisor Muffin was executed today for crimes against the color blurple. I placed the Presidential tabs of LSD behind my eyelids and had the honor guard shoot him out of a Howitzer cannon so that I could see what music his treason made across the green sky.

November 28, 2010

Diary, I don’t know about you, but I think Tobasco has gone crazy.