“The Battle of Man-Asses”
Source: Ken Burns’ “The Civil War”
[The camera pans out from an aged photograph as a sorrowful and rustic violin plays an old Southern requiem. The photo is of two men with scraggly beards engaged in anal sex]
Narrator: [reading from a letter] “My dearest Lulabelle. I find myself in the most terrible of erogenous conundrums. Last night the fates had transpired that I would take part in an act of illuminating sodomy, an awakening of senses within my soul and loins and posterior. While it happened so that I required the medicinal aid of a shot of whiskey and a stick to bite on, the pain of the initial penetration was nothing compared to the following glory enacted upon my most tender of holes. It will take quite some time and help from divine providence to ascertain my choice between your exquisite kiss, or my tent-mate’s veiny rod.”
–Private First Class Kilbourne S. Noisewater, 1864.
“You Ever Notice?”
Source: 60 Minutes
Leslie Stahl’s breath evacuated her lungs immediately as her eyes were drawn towards Andy Rooney’s massive member. “Leslie! What are you doing in my dressing room?” Andy asked, his tone getting more and more coy as the question progressed. Leslie tried to answer him, but was temporarily hypnotized by the sight of her coworker’s gray and knotty manhood.
“I–I–Wow…” Leslie stammered. Andy had this kind of effect on women, when they finally were able to take a peek at his gnarled trousersnake. So it was no surprise to him when Leslie, in a semi-simplified state of lust, suddenly dropped to her knees and began servicing him with her award-winning journalist’s tongue. Andy’s abundant, snow-white brow furrowed, as he began to commentate on the pleasure he was receiving:
“Blowjobs are funny. It’s hardly a job, unless you get paid to do it, in which case it’s not the kind of thing I want to get mixed up in, and it certainly doesn’t involve blowing. It actually involves the opposite, which is sucking. I don’t care for the term ‘blowjob,’ as it conjures up all sorts of images of some kind of balloon, and frankly I just don’t like associating my sexual experiences with balloons.”
Adam: Jamie; the myth for this week is uh, it’s something [chuckles] of a new kind of myth for us.
Jamie: Uh, yes, that is right. It’s something we’ve not done before, so it actually ought to be quite a treat for a lot of you, uh, viewers out there.
Adam: [Chuckles] Ha, yes, that’s because we are going to be testing the myth of the male G-spot.
[Animation plays of cartoon character with Adam’s photographic head superimposed on being reamed by cartoon Jamie. Eventually cartoon Adam ejaculates, and his semen spells out “Male G-Spot”]
Adam: For this experiment, we’re going to be using myself and Jamie on this yoga mat, and we’ll also be employing the use of a lot of lubricant, because the myth does not specify whether lube should or shouldn’t be used.
Jamie: Now you haven’t done this before, right Adam?
Adam: [Chuckles] No. So we’re going to need a lot of lubricant. [nods head with each syllable of “lubricant,” chuckles]
[_High-speed montage set to ukulele music of Adam and Jamie having anal sex. Interspliced
are images of the Asian guy and the chick doing nothing, as usual. This continues until
Adam is brought to a shuddering climax_]
Adam: Oh, wow! [Chuckles]
[Jamie finishes on Adam’s chest, and then spits to the side]