Top Fifteen Signs Your Wife is Cheating on You with a Horse

  1. You married a slutty horse
  2. Hideous centaur children
  3. Douches with molasses, apples and salt
  4. Find the words “Mrs. Ed” written lovingly all over her day-planner
  5. Everytime you answer the phone, hear 4 minutes of a horse trying to hang up a phone with its teeth
  6. Gets confused in the morning and tries to nail your shoes to your feet
  7. Don’t remember being able to fit your entire foot in her vagina
  8. The very first time you can’t get it up, she tries to get a veterinarian to come out and shoot you in the head
  9. Complains you aren’t capable of meeting her emotional needs or dragging a plow
  10. For Halloween went as the front end of a horse, but the back end of the horse had a head and was fucking her
  11. She no longer freaks out when you take a crap right in the middle of
  12. Has taken to yelling, “Of course, of course!” at her moment of climax.
  13. Always comes home with hay in her hair . . . and horse semen
  14. Keeps making up new positions like “bare back”
  15. Her panties are often inexplicably filled with oats