- You married a slutty horse
- Hideous centaur children
- Douches with molasses, apples and salt
- Find the words “Mrs. Ed” written lovingly all over her day-planner
- Everytime you answer the phone, hear 4 minutes of a horse trying to hang up a phone with its teeth
- Gets confused in the morning and tries to nail your shoes to your feet
- Don’t remember being able to fit your entire foot in her vagina
- The very first time you can’t get it up, she tries to get a veterinarian to come out and shoot you in the head
- Complains you aren’t capable of meeting her emotional needs or dragging a plow
- For Halloween went as the front end of a horse, but the back end of the horse had a head and was fucking her
- She no longer freaks out when you take a crap right in the middle of
- Has taken to yelling, “Of course, of course!” at her moment of climax.
- Always comes home with hay in her hair . . . and horse semen
- Keeps making up new positions like “bare back”
- Her panties are often inexplicably filled with oats
