Species of Step-Parents: A Taxonomical Survey

Villainous Disney Stepmother **
_Cruella De Mommus _
: Tall, bony, and overdressed, possibly with an upturned nose.
Where she met your dad : Real mother’s funeral.
Method of Wooing : Icy glare and/or magic spells.
For Your Birthday : Shiny red apple.
Quote : “If you really love me you’ll send your daughter to that haunted boarding school.”
Chance of beating : You’ll soon discover emotional scars run deeper than physical ones.

Jesus-Loves-You Stepmom **
_Holier Thanowicus _
: Your father finally realized that what he needed in life was a moral anchor; a person of unquestionable judgment, unshakeable faith, and total moral authority.
Where she met your dad : AA.
Method of Wooing : Handjob during church.
For Your Birthday : Signed photo of Jesus.
Quote : “You’ll thank me for this when you’re dead.”
Chance of Beating : Depends, are you better than Jesus?

Other Mommy
_Feminius Mustachius _
Description : Here to set your mother straight about how she’s been living her life.
Where she met your mom : Where curiosity and tequila meet.
Method of Wooing : Thelma & Louise DVD.
For Your Birthday : Reusable menstrual cup, cake.
Quote : “Stop crying, I think that parent-teacher conference went great.”
Chance of Beating : Gender dependent.

Abusive Stepdad **
_Backius Handius _
: Their meeting was serendipitous; she was ready to love again, and he was finally out of prison.
Where he met your mom : Courtordered Anger Management.
Method of Wooing : A beating.
For Your Birthday : A beating.
Quote : “I’m gonna give you such a beating!”
Chance of Beating : Likely.

Ten-Years-Your-Senior Stepdad
Dudius Maximus _
Description : “Yeah, he’s TWENTY EIGHT Stan! How do you fucking like that, huh? How old is that bleached blonde whorebag trophy of yours? Sixty? [_sound of bottle dropping
Where he met your mom : Community college pottery class.
Method of Wooing : Marijuana.
For Your Birthday : Gift Certificate to the car audio shop he works at.
Quote : “Man, your mom is HOT.”
Chance of Beating : He can probably take you in Gears of War, but you’ll destroy him in NBA 2k7.

Mom-Could-Do-Better-Than-This Stepdad
_Averagus Extremis _
Description : I guess he’s alright.
Where he met your mom : On the rebound.
Method of Wooing : Steady and unremarkable companionship.
For Your Birthday : Coupons.
Quote : “Heyyyy there …. Kiddo ….”
Chance of Beating : Slim to none.