Trial Transcripts from the ADD Court Stenographer

Q. Did you see someone leave Ms. Sakamura’s apartment on the night in question?

A. Yes.

Q. And were you able to identify this person?

A. Yes.

Q. How?

A. I recognized his something something corduroy something.

Q. Was there anything else?

A. Yes. He had shoes with red stripes, black denim pants, gloves, three earrings in his left whoa, I can not remember this lady’s name. He’s totally gonna ask her to point to the guy and I won’t know what to type. Oh God I hope he doesn’t ask her to point to the guy. Please, please, please don’t ask her to point to the guy.

Q. Is that person in the courtroom today?

A. Fuck.

Q. Could you please point to that person?


Q. Let the record show that the witness pointed to the defendant.

THE COURT: So noted. Proceed.

Q. I wonder why they think they have to tell me to let the record show something. I mean DUH, it happened, right? Lawyers always think just because no one said it, I can’t write it down. I mean honestly, I have one job. All I have to do is type exactly what happens in court. How hard do they think that is?

A. The previous Thursday? Yes, the stripper’s crotch.

Q. Whoa! I should be paying more attention to this.

A. Of course. The stripper’s crotch is a term woodworkers use to describe the joining point between two forty-five degree miterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Oh my god. How long have I been asleep? THE COURT POINTS TO THE STENOGRAPHER AND WAVES ITS FIST ANGRILY

Q. [expletive deleted]

A. I wasn’t sleeping!

THE COURT: You incompetent moron, I can’t believe we didn’t fire you years ago.

A. Hmm, you know, why am I typing this? If I just write this differently he’ll have no proof I screwed up.

THE COURT: Mr. Stenographer, you’re doing an excellent job today and I very much enjoyed those ten minutes where you stopped typing what we were saying and wrote Deadwood fanfiction in your head.

A. Why thank you your honor, but we should really get back to the case at hand.

THE COURT: Blah blah blah last warning, something something contempt. Council, proceed.

Q. Thank you, your honor. Now Miss Clark–THAT was it! Clark!–why did you wait three days before contacting the police?

A. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do, and he was my boss. I felt so helpless and thunder, thunder, Thundercats, ho.

Thundercats are on the move. Thundercats are loose. Feel the magic, hear the Roar, Thundercats are loose.

Thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats!

Thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats!
Thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats!
Thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats! Thundercats!

Q. Thank you, Miss Clark. You’ve been very brave.