Rick Santorum?s Job Search Hits a Dead End on Monster.com

Having been defeated in the mid-term election, former Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) slammed his keyboard down in disgust. “Dammit! It’s called monster.com. I thought I’d at least be able to find a job that involved scaring little children and taking their ice cream,” Santorum complained. “Talk about a misleading domain name. They might as well call it lameassjobs.net/killme.”

This had been Santorum’s third query in the past hour on job search site monster.com. After having a lack of success with search terms “demonic supervisor” and “Vice President – Bigotry”, his unsuccessful search for a “Hate-Crime Contractor” position pushed the former Senator over the edge.

“Dammit! I just can’t find a new position that matches my job skills,” Santorum complained to himself in a dark, cluttered office. “No gay bashing, no pompous oratory – just white-collar middle management positions in Braintree, Massachusetts.”

When not searching for occupations serving the Antichrist, most of Santorum’s post-election recovery has involved mood swings of liberation and depression, mixed in with a healthy dose of Funyuns and a case of Natty Ice.

Upon hearing of his problems, Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska suggested to Santorum via telegraph that he ought to make sure his Internet tubes were not malfunctioning.