Christian fundamentalists and Evangelicals were elevated to Heaven last week to sit at the side of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior. With hundreds of millions having instantly disappeared around the world, global productivity has risen ten-fold in what remaining scientific … Read More
Tensions mounted in the Republican Party over the weekend as the exploratory committees for Senator John McCain (R – AZ) and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani came closer and closer to reaching the South Pole.
“The polling data suggests … Read More
In their first day as the majority in both houses of Congress in over a decade, Democratic officials sheepishly stumbled up the steps of Capitol Hill forty-five minutes late for their first appointments, clutching oversized travel mugs of coffee and … Read More
Having been defeated in the mid-term election, former Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) slammed his keyboard down in disgust. “Dammit! It’s called monster.com. I thought I’d at least be able to find a job that involved scaring little children and taking … Read More
It’s Me, Margaret…
_First Date _
Margaret: …then he said he could never marry me. I guess I’ve been afraid of a serious relationship ever since.
Mega: Bzzzzz. Bzzzzz.
Margaret: Ohh thank you. You’re right, I do deserve better.
Margaret: I’ve … Read More
Voter registration groups are reeling following a declaration in the September 2004 issue of Cosmopolitan that the act of voting is officially out of style.
“Not only have young women stopped registering to vote in our precinct,” stated Judith Miller, … Read More
Throughout the history of my life, my Internet habits have changed, and as such, so has my screen name. I’ve seen some crazy ones out there, though I can’t say that mine haven’t been bad either. Here’s a brief history … Read More
Michael Nash, a third-year Berkeley student, has decided to end his eight-month relationship with Jamie Peters, a second-year Berkeley student and philosophy major.
“I just can’t take it anymore,” Nash lamented to a close friend. “Every time I ask her … Read More
Several witnesses claim that formerly ubiquitous child actor Haley Joel Osment disappeared into a thick haze that settled down around his West Los Angeles home on Wednesday. While eyewitness accounts are still unclear, some speculate that this reported haze was, … Read More
Excuse me, sir. I know you feel your purchase of a carbonated soft drink is important, but you need to step aside. I’m a hurried political scientist, and I’m coming through.
No, sir, I will not go fuck myself. I’m … Read More