Super (Pretentious) Political Science Man!

Excuse me, sir. I know you feel your purchase of a carbonated soft drink is important, but you need to step aside. I’m a hurried political scientist, and I’m coming through.

No, sir, I will not go fuck myself. I’m a political science major, and I’m in the middle of an urgent mission. I cannot waste my time in this silly queue!

You really don’t know how important it is that I get through this line quickly, do you? As one of twelve thousand political science majors on this campus, I have a distinctly unique and important daily agenda to fulfill for the benefit of mankind, and catering to your ineptitude does not fit in to my Palm M515 daily planner. There is a surplus of unread pages from Das Kapital in my reader. I only have so much time during the day to learn about the works of Marx, Hobsbawm, and Weber. Oh, and by the way, that’s pronounced “Ve-bur,” but spelled with a “W.” Paradoxes such as this may escape the understanding of the casual Berkeley student, but in an ultimate paradox, we superior political science students must rise above such averageness in order to protect the average.

This semester I’m studying 19th-century Chinese history, the British Empire, and the first half of the Vietnam War. Tying those together with modern life lessons takes work!

In addition, we use our spare time to find ways to make this university a better and more liberal place to live. Political scientists form clubs so that even the most oppressed half-Laotian half-Inuit minority can be represented on this campus. We make sure that the ASUC follows the lead of other great democracies and sets an example for the rest of America’s education system. And, most importantly, we sustain the free speech movement, and encourage the rights of flyer distribution on Sproul Plaza. So, I will once again politely ask you to yield me your spot in line.

Don’t you realize the forces that you’re tangling with right now? Your hindrance is preventing me from not only saving this campus, but saving the world. Without future political scientists like me, there would be no one to fight against the evils that you are exposed to on a daily basis. You eat your obesity-causing snack food. I even see you picked coffee that isn’t a free-trade brand. How can I pass laws that would ban you from doing so if I am stuck in this line? Look, I have already outlined three bullet points summarizing the important aspects of your moving. Doesn’t this cover every possible point? Honestly, if people could be arrested for stupidity, you would be just another victim of an extremely overcrowded prison system.

So for the last time, prole, quit hindering me, and leave my sight immediately! I have to go save autistic Kenyan orphans from an oppressive regime of neo-conservative televangelist dictators. If you don’t vacate the premises, I shall be forced to result to physical violence in solving this dispute. I don’t want to act like a typical American, or 19th century Briton, but I will.

Uh, I’m bleeding, I’m bleeding badly. Can someone call the nearest medic?