Rapture Occurs, Productivity Skyrockets

Christian fundamentalists and Evangelicals were elevated to Heaven last week to sit at the side of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior. With hundreds of millions having instantly disappeared around the world, global productivity has risen ten-fold in what remaining scientific leaders call “not a miracle.”

“It’s great, I can make it to work in ten minutes flat,” said Kevin Stern, a 28-year old software developer and leader of the singles’ group at the local Jewish Community Center. “I don’t have to wait for a treadmill at 24 Hour Fitness. And I can’t believe how low gas prices are!”

Across America, communities are re-claiming the land previously occupied by churches to build baseball diamonds, cigar lounges, and 16-and-over gentleman’s clubs. The slight increase in interest rates created by this surge of new real estate has been offset by the immediate passage by Congress of universal health care, new public works projects, and the socialized redistribution of all of the Pope’s holdings.

Not all portions of the national economy have benefited. The abortion clinic security guard industry has been decimated and may never recover. Additionally, the agricultural sector has been devastated by the sudden removal of the entire population of Kansas.

Despite these setbacks, those left behind seem cautiously optimistic for their future. “Just because they are gone doesn’t mean that they were right. I think there is still hope to be reincarnated as a banana slug,” remarked Patrick Kwong as he entered his local Buddhist temple. “And who wouldn’t be looking forward to that?”