College students are poor…unless you’re me, then you’re really fucking rich. As a student, I too have to deal with problems, but I cope with them in a different, much wealthier way.
You: I stayed up all last night searching on-line for the cheapest Economics textbooks. I finally found the international edition for $45.
Me: I stayed up all night searching for the most expensive Economics textbook and finally purchased the Instructors Editions for $1,876 a month. In this edition, one of the authors teaches me the material while the other two blow me. Learning is so much more interesting when smart people are blowing me.
Dealing with the Stresses of School
You: I can’t believe I got a ‘C’ on my midterm. I’ll never get into law school. I’m going to get a handle of Southern Comfort and drink it ’til I puke.
Me: Another ‘D’!! Shit, if I don’t pass this class I still get to inherit my father’s Fortune 500 Company and become a multi-billionaire. What should I do? Just kidding, pass me that Southern Comfort so I can break it and purchase us some Crown Royal: Special Reserve. Us means me.
You: Once we finish our dollar noodles from the ‘Ghetto Food Court’, we can go back to my place and watch The Big Lebowski, if I can get my laser discplayer to work that is. Oh God, I need to diarrhea poop.
Me: Once we finish our fivecourse Chez Panisse meal we can go back to my place and have sex on my bed made entirely out of original Van Gogh and Picasso paintings. Hopefully the construction workers have finished putting the extra wing on my bed. If not, we’ll have to settle for making love on my collection of cast-members from The Big Lebowski. I hope Steve Buscemi ran away again. He gets kind of ugly when I bring anything home.
You: I only have ten bucks for the rest of the week.
Me: I’m out of toilet paper. I’ll have to get another roll of hundreds tomorrow.
Negotiating Around Life-Altering Circumstances
You: I can’t believe I got my girlfriend pregnant. I guess I’ll have to take on a third job to help support the new baby.
Me: Rich people don’t get girls pregnant; they get girls abortions.