Brad and Angelina Give Birth to Blindingly Perfect Being

The epitome of physical creation was born in an African hospital yesterday to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The child, whom one doctor described as “a hallelujah chorus giving my soul a blowjob at the center of God,” is so beautiful that attending physicians were required to don sunglasses before staring directly into Jolie’s fully dilated cervix for more than eight seconds.

Although pleased, the new parents aren’t exactly surprised. “Of course we expected him to be beautiful,” said Pitt and Jolie in chilling unison, “for we are beautiful. Through our union, we have formed a being imbued with all that was perfect within us, and wholly devoid of any pedestrian banality we may have acquired through contact with others. We love him as one loves the +ALbermensch.”

Their infant son then curled his lips into a dazzling smile, belied only by the inhumanity behind his ice-blue eyes, before extracting the still-beating heart from one of his adopted Cambodian brothers and consuming its essence.