Discount Wisdom

They say the lion is the king of the jungle, but I think it’s the bulldozer.

I sympathize with animal rights activists, because I think animals are people too. Inferior, delicious, inhuman people.

People always tell me I make delicious pizza pie. Well God Damnit, which is it?!

I don’t think that Pop Tarts should come in packages of two like they do, because it only reminds me that I’m eating all alone again.

If I ever come back as a ghost, I won’t be an Uncle Tom like that fuck Slimer.

Sometimes I wake up screaming. And then I realize I was never asleep to begin with.

Fantasy football is a pretty big waste of time. Unicorns make lousy fullbacks.

I imagine it was harder to be an atheist in ancient Greece, because with so many gods, chances are at least ONE of them was real.

It’s hard to distinguish right from wrong. Especially when the Pope is holding a gun to your head.

Dad wasn’t overly strict with our punishments, he really just wanted us to be prepared for our future. Or at least that’s what I would tell myself whenever we broke curfew and he would make us dig our own graves.