Wal-Mart today announced its plans to begin selling heroin in its 1,146 Wal-Mart stores, 2,098 Supercenters, 567 SAM’S CLUBS and 107 Neighborhood Markets in the United States.
“Wal-Mart sells a lot of shit, you know? Well, why not heroin? That shit is fuckin’ expensive too, we’re going to make a killing. What’s the problem?” asked Stephen Quinn, Wal-Mart’s Senior Vice President of Marketing, while maniacally laughing and viciously throttling an old man that formerly ran a hardware store before Wal-Mart forced him out of business.
“The problem is that selling heroin is illegal,” said Michael Braun, the DEA’s Chief of Operations. “Wal-Mart is delusional if it thinks it can get away with this,” Braun said.
Stephen Quinn flung his head back from a pile of cocaine long enough to ask, “Are those DEA bitches getting mouthy again? We’ve got 1.4 million employees worldwide and we sell 16,000 guns a month. The DEA has 400 agents and a yearly budget that’s less than our daily sales of Kim Possible lunch boxes. If we wanted to, we could buy and sell Michael Braun’s mother and no one could stop us.” Quinn then instructed his secretary to buy and then sell Michael Braun’s mother.
Wal-Mart’s sales of Velvet Underground albums have risen 200% since the announcement.