Features

• Geriatrix: A Cyberpunk Novel for Old People
• Diary of a White Collar Criminal
• Vegan Alternatives
• I Want to be Fired
• NecronomiCon
• Unregistered Sex Offenders
• There’s a New Sheriff[s] in Town
• Failed Biopics
• Me

Newsflashes

• “Hyphy Movement” Meets Hyphy Resistance, Thousands Dead
• Federal Trade Commission Starts, End Google Anti-trust Suit
• Alan Greenspan Pretty Sure New Best Friend is Actually CNN Obituary Writer
• Bratz ARG Nears Finale

Features

• Eulogy
• Animal Love
• Step into my office…
• s.f. bay area craigslist > a guide to casual encounters
• Seinfeld Meets 24
• The Murderdome Quarterly
• Smarmy Bastard Explains Everything
• The Incredibly Hip Eatery
• The Unchosen People
• Words From the Top

Newsflashes

• Rapture Occurs, Productivity Skyrockets
• Fat, Black, Female Priest Actually Martin Lawrence Trying to Steal a Diamond
• Romania to Name Dragon National Bird
• Lieberman Announces Gray Horse Candidacy

Features

• A Very Few Special Entries in the Diary of Genghis Khan
• Five Hipsters: A Play in One Act
• Ebert & Roeper & Blind Guy – At the Movies
• A Harlequin Romance Novel Written by a 14-Year-Old Virgin Who’s Never Seen Cinemax Unscrambled
• Species of Step-Parents: A Taxonomical Survey
• Is Your Man a STUD, a DUD, or a CROCODILE?!
• Pie Most Venomous
• Porn Director License Test
• Words From the Top
• Goomba War Journal

Newsflashes

• Scientists Yet Again Start Work on Project Other than Rocket Car
• Incredibly Awesome Explosion Leaves 30 Dead, 60 Highly Entertained
• McCain and Guiliani Exploratory Committees Race to the Finish
• Father and Son Game of Hide-and-Seek Concluded After 30 Years

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• A Very aDoyle-able Christmas
• Class Act
• A Little Something for the Ladies
• My Rejected Sitcom
• Drunk Driving: Just Say Yo!
• If Frat Boys Wrote Fortune Cookies
• Transformers They Don’t Want You to Know About
• Words From the Top
• The Future of Video Game Series
• The Diary of the Last Man on Earth

Newsflashes

• Masturbation Defeats Sex
• NY Times Reports: Lots of Asians Go to Cal
• President Ford Remembered for Legacy of Oafery

Features

• Rumsfeld Resignation Address
• In-Class Drinking Games
• Homeless Comedians
• Invisimask Advertisement
• Back-Alley Mike’s School of Back-Alley Self-Defense
• Discount Wisdom
• Grey’s Anatomy
• Words From the Top
• Great Moments in the History of Invention
• The Truth About the Future

Newsflashes

• Rick Santorum?s Job Search Hits a Dead End on Monster.com
• Woman Drowns Virtual Pets
• Guitar Hero Disappointed by Lack of Ass
• Really Hot Chick Rejected from Boalt
• Democrats Arrive in D.C. Reeling From Month-Long Celebration

Features

• Words from the Top
• High-Brow Erotic Fanfiction

Newsflashes

• Your Roommate to Continue Listening to that Chinese Hip Hop Shit
• City Council Declares Bum Historic Landmark
• New Dinosaur Species Discovered
• Stephen Colbert Ironically Elected Governor of South Carolina
• Mel Gibson BBQ’s Thousands of Hebrew Nationals
• Local Pot Calls Kettle ‘Black’

Top Tens

• Top Ten Homoerotic Bumper Stickers
• Top Ten Signs Your Partner is a Cannibal
• Top Ten New, Pleasant Job Titles for Criminal Occupations
• Top Ten Erotic Board Games

Features

• Words From The Top

Newsflashes

• Sports Quickies
• Wal-Mart Enters into Heroin Retail Market
• Area Woman Clearly Wanted to be Raped, Murdered
• In Other News

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• What If…Everything in Life Was Like Your First Time Having Sex?
• <i>Other</i> New Baby Einstein Videos
• The Diary of Judas
• Nerd Rehab
• Would You Rather Be Hung-Over or Over-Hung?
• Discount Wisdom
• Jobs For Double Majors
• Murder! in Five Easy Steps
• Words From the Top
• Upwardly Mobile Dog Seeks Less Homeless Owner

Newsflashes

• Carjackers Rejoice Over “Ghostridin’ the Whip” Trend
• Unemployment Rate Skyrockets
• Bonds Steroid Indictment Stalled

Top Tens

• Top Ten Other Things That Happen Every Ten Seconds
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• Top Ten Diseases You Wish You Had
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• Top Ten Lamest Things to Buy With a Million Dollars
• Top Five Things You May or May Not Hear in a Leper Colony

Features

• My Girlfriend
• What if Karl Marx Lived in a Co-Op?
• Urban Myths
• Kilimanjaro
• The Collected Disappointments of James R. Henderson
• Diary of a Costume Character
• “Lesser Known Quotations”
• Discount Wisdom
• So Now You’re in Purgatory
• Words From the Top

Newsflashes

• Jack Bauer Pauses to Poop
• Man Gains Superpowers in Lab Accident
• Woman Experiences Miracle of Death During Childbirth
• God Blamed For Global Disasters
• Harley-Davidson Obtains New Image

Top Tens

• Top Five Signs Your STD is Stronger than You
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• Top Ten Reasons to Grow a Beard
• Top Ten Signs It’s Time to Switch to Plan B
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Features

• Excerpts from The Bible’s DVD Commentary Track
• Handling the Homeless
• If The Actors Really Were President
• Nickelodeon Solutions to Everyday Problems
• Re: Professor Indiana Jones
• White People Jokes!
• Words From the Top
• Cool Diseases
• My Christmas With Cobra

Newsflashes

• WORLD: Middle East Peace Process Totally Fucked
• Howard Stern Moves to Satellite
• President Cries in a Corner

Top Tens

• Top Ten Signs You’ve Rented Second-Rate Sherpas
• Top Six Rejected Alternatives to LL Cool J’s line, “I’m Staring at Your Cornea / You’re Getting Horniah and Horniah”
• Top Ten Signs the Anal Sex isn’t Going Well
• Top Five Signs You Shouldn’t Have Raised Your Teenager as a Female Chipmunk
• Top Ten Reasons to Wear Pajamas to Class
• Top Ten Signs the Spark Has Gone out of your Serial-Killer / Victim Relationship
• Top Ten Reasons You Lost That Basketball Game to a Paraplegic Midget