Smarmy Bastard Explains Everything

**Why do we love reality TV? **

Reality TV has persisted solely because we all love seeing stupid people try to solve problems. Who hasn’t felt the joy of watching a retarded child try and fit a square peg in the round hole of  his own eye socket? An illuminating case study is the hit TV series “Maui Fever” which features the trials and tribulations of  Hawaii’s surfer youth culture.

Blonde Guy : This double date is pretty gnar.
Blonder Guy : Hey, bro, I think I like your girl better.
Blonde Guy : Dude, no way! I like your girl better too!
Blonder Guy : [brow furrows in consternation] Well, maybe we could, like, switch dates?
Blonde Guy : Whoa! That’s, like, really smart. But how?
Blonder Guy : Uh, well, let me think–
Blonde Guy : NO, STOP!
Blonder Guy : [head explodes]


**What are the dangers of drugs? **

In the right hands drugs are a fine use of recreational time, but in the wrong hands there can be terrible, heart-wrenching consequences.

_Right Hands _
You : Boy, I love my drugs! z

_Wrong Hands _
Police : Now I have your drugs.


**Why is there so much conflict in the world? **

From my years of experience as an amateur theologist, it’s become clear that most conflicts are religious in nature. My new book explains why the reader must rise up and destroy two distinct groups: 1) Those who have not yet read my book and 2) The Nation of Islam, which is suing me for copyright infringement.

_Secular Exchange _
Person 1 : Hi.
Person 2 : How’s it going?
Person 1 : Good.
Person 2 : That’s cool.

_Religious Exchange _
Person 1 : Hi.
Person 2 : Eat this wafer.
Person 1 : Ok.
Person 2 : Now we’re married.


Do video games really cause aggressive behavior in children?

While I believe that these “videoed games” are beneath my intelligence threshold, they seem to be quite popular among today’s urchinry. Of primary debate is whether or not video games affect cerebral development.

_Development Without Videogames _
Child : Hey Dad, can you help me with my homework tonight?
Father : Why, sure! Is it that troublesome algebra again?

[they both laugh]

_Development With Videogames _
Child : Dad, could you help me with some of my homework tonight?
Father : Sure, I’ll help you…help you get burned by my cigarette!

[child cries, turns to video games]