Lately, I’ve been wanting to get good and fired. It’s just one of those things that I want to try once before I die, like meth…again. I’ve been brainstorming ways. Here are a few:
**Propose a ‘Cleanest Pussy in the Office’ contest **
Boss : [Holds up flier with a picture of a girl in a bikini smiling and bending over a fax machine. The header reads, ‘Cleanest Pussy in the Office Contest’ with the sub-header, ‘Find out if you’re Ms. Clean.’] What is this?
Me : Oh yeah, you interested in entering?
Boss : Dan, you know we can’t tolerate this kind of sexist behavior around here.
Me : Did you just say ‘Sexiest Behavior?’ Because that’s a great idea for another contest.
Start talking like the Mark Wahlberg character from The Departed
Me : [Entering room dressed like a cop, with a holster and a fake badge] Sorry I’m late.
Boss : It’s ok.
Me : I’m tired from fucking your wife.
Boss : What?
Me : My mom’s tired from fucking my dad.
Boss : This is uncalled for.
Me : Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on Feds is they’re like mushrooms. Feed ‘em shit and keep in the dark. You girls have a nice day.
**Only talk about the weekend **
Me : So how was your weekend?
John : It’s Thursday and we’re in the middle of a company-wide conference call.
Me : Mine was fucking wild.
John : I know, you told everyone in the form of a company-wide email. [John brings up the email and reads] “I had a wild weekend. I fucked a teenager on Saturday and got drunk and played beach volleyball on Sunday. The cops are looking for me.”
Me : Yep, I had a great weekend. So how was your weekend?
Take a really long lunch break
Me : Well, I’m off to lunch.
Co-worker : It’s 9 am.
Me : Not in New York.
Me : [Sets down coat on chair.] I’m back.
Co-worker : You were gone for seven hours. It’s now 4 pm.
Me : You’re right. I better get home for dinner. [Picks up coat and leaves.]
**When someone asks you a question, respond with a Snapple ‘Real Fact’ **
Boss : Are you ready for the meeting?
Me : Frogs never drink.
Boss : What? I need you to print out the documents. Ken Johnson is due in any second. Can you do that for me?
Me : A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
[Ken Johnson walks in.]
Boss : Ken, great to see you. Have you met Dan Marshall?
Me : [Shaking Ken Johnson’s hand] Beavers can hold their breath for 45 minutes.