Seinfeld Meets 24

[Jerry and George exit the CTU locker room]
Jerry : Sweatpants? You’re wearing sweatpants to a bomb defusing?
George : What, there’s something wrong with sweatpants?
Jerry : No, not at all, assuming you’re New Jersey SWAT.
George : Why can’t I be comfortable! Was there some meeting I missed where we all agreed we couldn’t be comfortable at work?
Jerry : But sweatpants? You’re basically telling the world, ‘Hey, I don’t care if this bomb blows up, because I’ve given up on life.’

[Kramer bursts out of the locker room]
Kramer : Heyyyyy George, n-i-i-i-ce sweatpants.

[George enters Jerry’s apartment after being buzzed up]
George : Hey, did you end up questioning that Aziz guy?
Jerry : Ohhhhhhh, I did.
George : [getting a Snapple] And?
Jerry : Couldn’t stop screaming. I torture him, he screams. I stop torturing him, he screams some more.
George : Screaming, huh? How could you hear his confessions?
Jerry : I barely could! It was impossible!
George : So he’s a Screamconfessor.
Jerry : [Nodding] Screamconfessor.

[funky bass lick, incessant beeping]

[Kramer staggers into Jerry’s apartment and heads straight for the ‘fridge]
Kramer : You got any of those antidotes left? That Abdul Ndubi stuck me with some poison.
Jerry : Poison? Really?
Kramer : Can you believe it? Snuck up and BAM! Right in the arm!
George : Unbelievable. Who poisons people anymore? What is this, Chechnya?
Kramer : So you got any antidotes?
Jerry : [reluctantly] I don’t know, Kramer. I’m sort of running low.
Kramer : Come onnnnnnn, Jerry! I’m dyin’ here!
Jerry : All RIGHT, all RIGHT, all RIGHT! They’re in the vegetable crisper — but you’re paying me this time!
Kramer : I’m only going to use half, so I’m only paying half.
Jerry : Half? You’re only going to use half?
George : You’re leaving half an antidote in the ‘fridge? That’s like leaving half a donut at a counter-terrorism brief.
Kramer : I, uh, hoo-ah, oooboy — [comically passes out]

[Jerry enters an interrogation room to drill his pudgy archnemesis, Nubac Bar Rahim]
Jerry : Hello, Nubac.
Nubac Bar Rahim : Hello, Jerry.
Jerry : [Saws off Nubac’s head]

[Jerry and Elaine are sitting at Monk’s. George walks in and sits down]
George : My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, be it a choice between which door to enter during a raid, or whether or not to wear a bullet-proof vest, it’s wrong. Always wrong!
Jerry : Always? Really?
George : Remember that time that I was on the Russian submarine?
Jerry : With the President’s daughter?
George : I was the only one who didn’t bring swim trunks!
Jerry : Well, if every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
George : What are you saying?
Jerry : Anytime you’re faced wih a decision, do the opposite.

[George’s phone rings]
Terrorist : I have 43 hostages trapped on the New York Subway. Either the US lifts their sanctions on Iran, or I will see to it that all 43 die a horrible death at my hands.
George : [After a moment’s pause] You know what Abdul? Kill them all. That’s right. Kill them all! How do you like that?!

[Hangs up]
Jerry : I think that went well.