Alan Greenspan Pretty Sure New Best Friend is Actually CNN Obituary Writer

VIRGINIA (DS) – Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has recently been seen visiting various parks, zoos, and other relaxing locations with a new best friend. But the 81-year-old’s joy at finding a new chum has been marred by suspicion after discovering that his friend, James Marston, is the lead obituary writer for

“Well, I don’t meet a lot of people, being as old as I am, and I was so happy to meet this nice young man in the park,” said a genial Greenspan in an interview on his porch where he dispenses home-spun economic wisdom to neighborhood children. “But then I started noticing, James keeps bringing a notebook wherever we go, and he’s always writing down things I say, and once I coughed real hard and he leaned in real close like he was waiting for something.”

When confronted, Mr. Marston assured Mr. Greenspan that there was nothing false or sinister about their relationship and the two shared a hearty hug. “Your friendship just means so much to me,” said Marston, before clapping and screaming “BOO!” directly into Mr. Greenspan’s face.