Greetings! If you’re reading this then you’re a womyn or man who is choice of living a cruelty free lifestyle. Though some may be critical of harmonious existence, there are many excellent reasons to become a vegan:
- Because you object to the cruel treatment of animals
- To achieve a slightly healthier diet at great personal expense
- To impress the other lesbians
- Because you hate being happy
- Because your religion precludes you from being happy
Convinced? Of course you are! Welcome to our family. The first and most important thing to do is to congratulate yourself over and over again. The second step is to actually walk the walk. Here’s a helpful list of superior vegan alternatives to murder-based, err, I mean, meat and dairy based foods to help start you off.
Normal Food Vegan Alternative Apple with Cheese on it Apple Spaghetti with Meatballs Spaghetti with Inflated Sense of Moral Superiority Furkey Tofurkey Turkey TV Dinner Oral sex after a poetry slam Pork á la Beef Luna bar with a sad face drawn on it Succulent Cabernet-Braised Short Ribs Fuck You Foot-long Hot Dog Parliament Lights Bac-O’s Cheerios Western Bacon Cheeseburger Frowning all the time