Vegan Alternatives

Greetings! If you’re reading this then you’re a womyn or man who is choice of living a cruelty free lifestyle. Though some may be critical of harmonious existence, there are many excellent reasons to become a vegan:

  • Because you object to the cruel treatment of animals
  • To achieve a slightly healthier diet at great personal expense
  • To impress the other lesbians
  • Because you hate being happy
  • Because your religion precludes you from being happy

Convinced? Of course you are! Welcome to our family. The first and most important thing to do is to congratulate yourself over and over again. The second step is to actually walk the walk. Here’s a helpful list of superior vegan alternatives to murder-based, err, I mean, meat and dairy based foods to help start you off.



        Normal Food
        Vegan Alternative

        Apple with Cheese on it

        Spaghetti with Meatballs
        Spaghetti with Inflated Sense of Moral Superiority


        Turkey TV Dinner
        Oral sex after a poetry slam

        Pork á la Beef
        Luna bar with a sad face drawn on it

        Succulent Cabernet-Braised Short Ribs
        Fuck You

        Foot-long Hot Dog
        Parliament Lights


        Western Bacon Cheeseburger
        Frowning all the time