Diary of a White Collar Criminal

February 2001 – Big Promotion

I may not have one of those fancy “MBAs” or “GEDs” but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s landscape architecture. Wait, I mean business. That’s right, I just became CEO. Who’s an accident now, Dad?
March 2001 – Perks

Those first couple hours as CEO were pretty stressful. I decided to reward myself with a corporate jet flight to the 7-11 down the street. While I was circling overhead waiting for them to build the runway, I ordered a pizza to be delivered in-flight. You know what they say: gotta spend money to make money.
April 2001 – Energy Business

At work today, I used the terms ‘trunkbutt,’ ‘shitworm,’ and ‘cock juggling thunder cunt’ twelve times. And all of them were directed at people I was giving a bonus. Man, I am so drunk off power I can’t stop vomiting bourbon.
August 2001 – Resignation

Turned in the old resignation. Wanted to spend more time with the kids in a country with weak extradition laws.
February 2004 – Indictment

When I got the subpoena on Monday I knew someone had ratted me out. Someone close to me. Probably someone I’ve been sleeping with. I’m looking at you, sacks of shareholders’ money.
October 2006 – Sentencing

Sauntered/was-carted into court like a man of taste and decency. Judge wanted to give me 24 years. I demanded he sentence me a martini. He won.
October 2006 – Prison

Met my new cellmate, Mad Dog (might be one word). He’s an accountant that got nailed for tax fraud. Seems like a nice enough chap, if a little rapey.
December 2006 – More Prison

I’m getting used to prison. Christmas is just around the corner. When I was an executive I always had to work through the holidays. This year I can just relax and enjoy it! MadDawg even said he was getting me a Christmas present.
January 2007 – New Years

New Year’s was a blast compared to the disappointment of Christmas. That dress seemed more like a present for MadDawg than myself.
June 2009 – Released

I’m a free man and I swear to God I’m a changed man. I’m staying away from the corporate world and going into non-profit. Those pussies will never catch me in the act.