A Note from the Editor, Footman #2205
Hello everyone! I hope you’re all having a happy April here at the MurderDome, I know that I have! It’s certainly been a busy couple of weeks for us here at the newsletter offices, especially after our former editor-in-chief was folded in half by Captain Superior. Whoops! The guys from R&D swear the next ray gun they build won’t blow up when Captain Superior sticks his finger in the muzzle.
April 18th – Safety Seminar: Distinguishing Between When a Heroine is Just Trying to Get the Keys From Around Your Neck and When She Really Wants To Do You, Bro.
April 20th – Our Mighty Commander Dr. Murder’s Birthday Party! Just a reminder, we’re still looking for volunteers for the Acid Dunk Tank.
May 3rd – Employee Potluck, by the Lake of Hatred. It might be a good idea that some refrain from coming so that the entire compound isn’t left undefended and Dr. Murder gets kidnapped by the UN like last time. Whoops!
The Lighter Side
Jokes by Footman #1059
Q: Who is the greatest man in the world?
A: Dr. Murder.
Q: What did Dr. Murder say to the henchman who beat him at basketball?
A: Such an event could never occur.
Q: What’s the main difference between that belligerent fool, Captain Superior, and our great leader, Dr. Murder?
A: The difference should be obvious. If you are not aware of it you will be boiled.
Coming and Going
Killatron (Death robot)
Asif Singh (intern)
Welcome to the firm, folks!
Footman #1634 (KILLED)
Footman #1635 (KILLED)
Footman #1636 (KILLED)
Footman #1637 (KILLED)
Footman #1638 (LAID OFF)
Footman #1639 (KILLED)
Footman #1640 (KILLED)
Footman #1731 (KILLED)
Footman #1874 (KILLED)
Footman #1877 (KILLED)
Footman #3489 (KILLED)
(continued on pages 2-18)
Footman #1513 Slays James Bond at Last!
Glorious news from the heart of the Murderdome! Footman #1513 managed to finally shoot James Bond last Friday, striking a blow for agents of oppression everywhere. Sitting down with our Deeds of Villainous Greatness Correspondent, #1513 recalled the electrifying scene.
“When we saw Bond, we assumed standard tactical response scenario 7B: Standing perfectly still while pouring bullets into the wall behind him. Despite out best efforts, the subject took out half our regiment with a single pistol, a buzz saw key-ring, and a bulletproof umbrella.
“Scared, injured, and drenched in our own urine, we assumed fallback positions behind Giant-Shirtless-Eyepatched-Guy-With-Chaingun, but Bond lured him into the Hall of Mirrors and he was eaten by piranhas. Left with no alternative, I decided to try something crazy so I just kind of pointed the gun and pulled the trigger as he charged towards me. Next thing you know the guy just sort of runs straight into the stream of bullets. Didn’t see it coming.”
Further eyewitness accounts describe how the lair was then bathed in a stunned silence, nothing to be heard but the mechanical voice of the count-down minion marking the seconds until the death satellite reached orbit. News of Bond’s death has been met with official condolences from all major capitals of the world, save for Washington, D.C. which ceased to exist at 12 PM Eastern Standard Time.
In recognition of his meritorious service, Footman #1513 has been promoted by Dr. Murder to Creepy-Silent-Guy-With-Metal-Skull-Who-Smokes-A-Lot. Congratulations!
_ From all of us at the Murderdome: Congratulations #1513, Employee of the Month! _