Failed Biopics

**An Ironclad Chicken-Coop: the Strom Thurmond Story **

Starring The Rock as Young Strom and A Wrinkly Leather Puppet as Old Strom
Tagline : “Great times make great oldest men in the world.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : African-American Nurse Clementine.
Authentic dialogue :

Thurmond : “Clementine, you biscuit-headed mongrel-cow. Bring your Nubian rump into the conservatory at once, before I have it stuffed and mounted like the common hippopotamus you are!”
Clementine : “Fuck this, I quit.”
Thurmond : [dies]

Film ends when : Strom’s death brings about a wave of nostalgic racism throughout the South.

**Free Mumia: The “Free Mumia” Story **

Starring Malcolm Jamal-Warner as Mumia
Tagline : “The amazing true story of Mumia, an innocent Black Panther out for a stroll who witnessed a cop shoot himself five times in the face. Also, coincidentally, the cop had just shot Mumia’s brother. Also then Mumia picked up the cop’s gun and shot himself with it. Also he had powder burns.”
Chronicle’s subject’s harrowing struggle against : Own Alleged Demons.
Authentic dialogue :

Mumia : Scrappy, I need you to be strong and listen to me for a while, okay? Some people think I did a bad thing, so I’ll have to go away for a while. I need you to take these books to the homeless shelter for me.
Scrappy the Orphan : Oh my gosh! What do they think you did?
Mumia : They…They think I shot a white police officer five times.
Scrappy the Orphan : But you love white police officers!
Mumia : I know, it’s crazy. I forgive them though, they’re just doing their jobs.
Scrappy the Orphan : But who will volunteer at the abused dog shelter with me?
Mumia : I don’t know, Scrappy. I just don’t know.

Film ends when : Mumia dies for our sins. As he ascends to heaven, all white people become black for a


**Beelzebooze: the Stephen Baldwin Story **

Starring Billy Baldwin as Stephen Baldwin
Tagline : “You can’t drink a Bible.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : Alcoholism, Retarded-Looking Face
Authentic dialogue :

Stephen : (praying) “Okay, Lord. Guide my hand. I sort of quit all the drinking like you requested, and I even made a Christian skateboarding team, which I’m sure you’ll find awesome in a most extreme way. Now please. What am I to do now?”
Jesus : “Star in some movies about giant snakes for a while.”
Stephen : “Righteous!”

Film ends when : Stephen triumphs over his alcoholism long enough to victoriously star as Barney Rubble in a straight-to-DVD Flintstones movie again.