Fat, Black, Female Priest Actually Martin Lawrence Trying to Steal a Diamond

The sleepy bayside community of Elk Hollow was rocked recently when their local priest, working under the alias of Katherine O’Malley, turned out to be Martin Lawrence in a fat suit. Lawrence took over the parish at Elk Hollow’s Church of St. Edward the Confessor two years ago.

“Normally the Catholic church doesn’t allow women to become priests,” said Elk Hollow’s Cardinal Quinn Murray. “I think she just charmed us all so much, what with her sassiness, blackness, and break-dancing.”

Lawrence took the job under the priestly pretense in order to steal the Church of St. Edward the Confessor’s mystical Rainbow Diamond. The diamond, given to the church by Pope John Paul II on one of his visits to America, is valued at $300 million USD.

Parish members reportedly grew suspicious when Lawrence began mass with “Wazap-wazap-WAZAAAP??” and ended with “Forreal though, where that diamond at?” Lawrence is suspected of stealing the diamond while the entire congregation was preoccupied with a rousing Soul Train-esque dance-off to “Rapper’s Delight.”

“In retrospect, probably a bad move to keep the diamond in a neighborhood church,” Cardinal Murray said. “But I drink a lot.”