Features

• My Nutty Problem
• Lucrative Stalk Options

Newsflashes

• Tech Stocks Out Of Control
• Ventura Proposes Freeway Plan
• Berdahl to Write “Sex On Tuesday” — Schindell Named New Chancellor
• Berkeley Student Gives a Shit about Affirmative Action
• Southside Terrorized By Serial Pillager
• Students Plan Protest for Department of Pornography
• Osei-Frimpong Announces Formation of New “Evil” Student Party

Features

• Eyes on the Fries
• The Ballad of the 100^th Big Game
• A Guide to Shorthand Conversations
• Completely Unsubstantiated Rumors
• Why Everything is So Completely Worthless
• An Objective Look at Cal Cheerleaders
• Cal-PIRG Strikes Deal With Hockey Team

Newsflashes

• EECS Department Debates New Requirements
• Calprig Strikes Deal with Hockey Team
• Judge Judy Rocked By Scandal
• Ill Communication

Top Tens

• Top Ten Least Popular Dance Steps
• Top Ten ASUC-Inspired Stage Productions
• Top Ten Better Uses for the Space Allotted to a Daily Californian Column
• Top Ten Failed New Fall Sitcoms
• Top Ten Things Overheard at the Last ASUC Senate Meeting
• Top Ten Ways to Make the Stock Market Go Up
• Top Ten Rejected Top Dog Flavors
• Top Ten “Saved by the Bell” Spin-Offs
• Top Ten New Products We Don’t Understand
• Top Ten Rejected Titles to “It’s 3AM” by Matchbox 20

Features

• A Few Words from the Top
• Ride, Pete, Ride
• How to Be a Mack-Daddy (or Daddy-Mack) Stud
• A Freshman Muses on Dwinelle
• Berkeley Personalities I’d Really Like to See
• Goodbye To Uncle Joe
• Radar Can Suck My Dick
• The Devolution of Michael Dukakis

Newsflashes

• Epic Records To Release Campanile’s Greatest Hits
• Socialist Workers Organization Suspected Of Disorganization, Unemployment
• Spitfire Event To Be Horrific Failure
• Star Trek Based Masturbation Plagues EECS

Top Tens

• Top Ten Useless Things in Berkeley
• Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Find Outside Your Door
• Top Ten Rejected De-Cal Classes
• Top Ten Withheld Excerpts From Kenneth Starr’s Report
• Top Ten Reasons We Think We Beat Nebraska
• Top Ten Causes the ASUC Will Donate $1,000 to Instead of Yolanda Manuel
• Top Ten People Worse than David Cash
• Top Ten Worst Things to Say to Your Girlfriend When She Tells You She’s Pregnant
• Top Ten Things Overheard During a Cal-PIRG Meeting
• Top Fifteen Little Known Poker Variants

Features

• A Few Words from the Top
• A Peculiar Problem
• A Flagrant Abuse of Editorial Power
• How to Be a Misanthrope
• Freshman Disorientation
• Koo Can’t Cook

Newsflashes

• New Retrofit for International House
• New Retrofit For International House
• Daily Cal Changes Motto
• Daily Cal Changes Motto
• Rick Starr Named New Spice Girl

Top Tens

• Top Ten Things That Will Wake You Up at 4:00 a.m.
• Top Ten Stupid Names for Crepe Restaurants
• Top Ten Little-Used Hair Care Products
• Ten Rejected James Bond Villains

Features

• Letters to the Editors
• Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places
• The X-Files
• Bathroom Humor
• Med-Libs
• Tower of Power
• A Final Word from the Top
• Short Conversations
• Squelchboy Interview: Jesus Christ
• That Darn Gato

Newsflashes

• California Tosses Out Riffraff
• UC Dining Services Named in Ketchup Scandal
• Berkeley Scientists Create Chaos
• New Mammmy for Sig-Phi-Ep
• Astronomers Prove Expansion
• Lemmon Goes Sour

Top Tens

• Top Ten Reasons Why Your Car Should Be as Low to the Ground as Possible
• Top Twelve Pro-Wrestling Moves
• Top Fifteen Retro Things We Don’t Want to See Come Back
• Top Ten Things Clinton Could Do to Lower His Approval Rating
• Top Fifteen Pornographic Candies
• Top Ten Least Popular Booths at the Internship Fair
• Top Fifteen Buttons on the New Emergency Phones
• Top Ten Reasons Lazy Eddie’s is Going Gut of Business
• Top Ten Places You Don’t Want to Wake Up In
• Top Five Things You Don’t Want to See on a Final

Features

• The Trials of a Female Science Major
• Trees or Robots?
• Interview With The “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” Dog
• SMCAT
• One Non Blonde
• Why I Love Moffitt Undergraduate Library
• Wouldn’t that be Cool?
• Ever Feel Smarter Than Your Professor?
• Let’s make Iraq a State
• A Few Parting Words from the Top of the Bottom

Newsflashes

• Senate Makes New ASUC Store Management Deal
• New Study Sheds Light On Retardation
• Berkeley Professors Denounce Wu-Tang Clan
• Baddest Motherfucker Alive Sighting

Top Tens

• Top Ten Rejected Chia Things
• Top Ten Things To Get
• Top Ten New Jobs for Seinfeld
• Top Twelve Reasons Serina Johnson Stopped Writing Sex On Tuesday
• Top Twelve Things to Blame on Right Wing Conspiracies
• Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Think About Your Parents Doing
• Top Seven Explanations for Steam coming from Sproul Hall
• Top Two Little Kid Sayings
• Top Eleven Rejected Girl Scout Cookies
• Top Twelve Reasons to Pull the Fire Alarm

Features

• Fight for Cal Cheerleaders
• Bom / Counterbom
• Fraternity/Sorority Operational Manual, Pg. 27
• The Heuristic Squelch Interviews Fiona Apple
• Editors Note
• It’s A Small World, After All…
• The Ballad of Eddie and Yoshua
• Chicken Soup for the Berkeley Soul
• How To Be Intense
• Squelch Weather

Newsflashes

• Shortage Feared
• New Clinton Sex Scandal Allegations Rumored
• Promise Made For 1998 Winter Olympics
• Pacific Bell Denies New Area Code Allegations
• Cowboy Question Answered
• ASUC Squabble Solved

Top Tens

• Top One Kenyon Jones Facial Expression
• Top Fourteen Things You Do Not Want To Wake Up and Find Inside Your Ass
• Top Ten Rejected Bubblicious Bubble Gum^TM Flavors
• Top Three Scariest Words in the English Language
• Top Eleven Reasons to Smoke Pot
• Top Ten Overheard Lines on the All Dedication Station
• Top Five Things Overheard at Chancellor Berdahl’s Last Speech

Features

• Letters to the Editors
• A Phylogenic Analysis of Cheerios

Newsflashes

• UC Police Voluntarily Refrain From Pepper Spray
• Pope Enters Twentieth Century

Features

• Why Is That Guy Licking His Shoulder?
• Why We Should Just All Be Gay
• A Few Words from the Top
• Residence Hall Staff Ineptitude Test
• A Broad Abroad
• The Wonderful World Of Nintendo
• Oski Interview
• Prop 209 Warfare
• Living in a Nuclear Filled Zone
• My Dream, or Death of a Vocalist

Newsflashes

• What’s Mine Is Yours
• No Way, Jose!
• Life & Death
• Comrade, Can You Spare Some Bread?
• <STRIKE>Boot</STRIKE> Butt Camp
• Hide N’ Go Shower

Top Tens

• Top Eleven Sapphic Star Wars Characters
• Top Ten Things a Girl Could Say to Ruin His Chances for Sex
• Top Ten Better Jobs for the Mic Man
• Top Ten Things a Guy Could Say to Ruin His Chances for Sex

Features

• Ah, The Films Of The 80’s…
• Ker-plunk!
• My Life in the Movies
• Mike Tyson
• The Chelsea Diaries
• Short Conversations
• Spice girl Interview
• Remembering The Squelch
• Letters to the Editors
• The Condemnation of A Fraternity

Newsflashes

• Green Apple Splatters
• EECS Incident
• Taxing Taxonomy
• D–‘s Detractors
• BAMN Exposes SAT Scam

Top Tens

• Top Ten Other Things Given To China
• Top Ten Berkeley TV Shows
• Top Ten Songs About Paparazzi
• Top Ten ill-Conceived Product Names
• Top Ten Monkeys
• Top Ten Reasons
• Top Thirteen Most Disturbing Things Your Professor Could Say
• This Summer’s Top Ten Porno Movies
• Top Ten Worst Things About Tabling for the Squelch
• Top Ten Names for the Next Atomic Element Discovered by Berkeley Scientists