Attention premeds! Stressed out about the MCATS? Busy filling out your primary applications ? Just when you thought you were overwhelmed, you realize that you have not done your personal statements. As Macauly Culkin would say, Aggggggg! Anyway, no fear, just fill in the blanks, put in envelope, put on stamp and send! Harvard Med, here we come! Thank me later.

To whom it may concern:

Winning the Nobel Prize in [favorite subject] has not changed me all too much. I have taken the proceeds and bought every Cal student a [favorite sex toy]. Additionally, I supported [favorite militant commie / feminist organization] and have guaranteed their existence for [some infinitesimally short time] to come, after buying a [Integra/Civic/Other] sport compact, and slamming it real low, I realized that I had money left over to hire [favorite white collar criminal of Haas graduate] to oversee the operations at [one overpriced student-run textbook store that somehow manages to lose money in an otherwise lucrative business]. As you can see, I am quite a giving person.

Not only am I such a [adjective implying altruism] person, I am also quite a humanitarian. I have worked for [favorite resume padding organization (i.e. peace corps)] and was instrumental in building [favorite sanitation disposal system] for the impoverished denizens of [favorite third world country]. Not only that, but I also helped depose the corrupt regime of [favorite dictator] and brought [democracy/imperialism/wanton commercialism] to the eager populace.

My hospital volunteering has also given me a glimpse of what the life of a doctor is like. The experience has made me all the tougher after contracting [favorite obscure disease]. Moreover, I have become addicted to [[popular controlled narcotic analgesic], just like the rest of you guys. Did I mention I watch ER on a regular basis and look something like [George Clooney-like ER heartthrob] as well and play a mean game of [elitist sport (i.e. golf, polo)]? Of course, my high living and boyish good looks do not interfere with my enthusiasm for medicine. In fact, I impressed the surgical team so much, they let me perform a [invasive surgical procedure].

As for my academic achievements, I am quite, how shall I say, stellar. While maintaining a [extremely high number] GPA, I have given and received the most [deviant sexual act] of any of your applicants. Yes, I have still managed to be a people person. My experiences have made me quite familiar with [favorite female reproductive organ] and really piqued my interest in anatomy. Moreover, by working in the lab of [famous scientist, preferably tenured], I have managed to-find a vure for [currently incurable disease]. Imagine, all this while winning a gold medal in [obscure Canadian sport involving big rock, ice, brooms, and more time than one knows what to do with] at the Winter Olympics. Take that, you Canadians!

On a short aside, I must also add that I am the only student to drug [favorite college-age first daughter] with [favorite date rape drug] and have my way with her. How’s that for secret service?

As you can see, my qualifications are quite [self aggrandizing adjective]. Not only am I [adjective conveying humility], but I am not your average [Cal’s ursine mascot]. Moreover, I am glad to say that I have never been convicted and/or served time for my various run-ins with the law. Like prototype gangster Al Capone, I am untouchable. Unlike him, I do not suffer from any communicable sexually transmitted disease which may cause insanity.

I am really debating whether or not I should bother to apply to your [adjective implying lameness] medical school. I believe I may be too good for you. Anyway, please say Hi to [name of med school admissions officer]. I will tell my father you said Hi since he did donate [incalculably high amount] to your institution. I believe my last name adorns many of your facilities.

I am sure that you know by now that you will accept me. You know what they say: If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you. If you find any of my qualifications dubious in any manner, I will leave you with the words of multi-platinum ghetto goat Snoop Doggy Dogg: You better assk somebody!

P.S.I know where you live. I am watching you. See you soon

[Your name]