New Retrofit for International House

In conjunction with a massive earthquake retrofitting job, the university is taking steps to ensure that all dormitory rooms in the International House are suicide proof. “The idea has been hanging around for a year or so,” university spokesman Ronald Punani said. “Early this summer, I was at a bar with my boss, drinking kamikazes, and listening to Nirvana when the idea came back to life. He really liked it-just about fell out the window with excitement.”

Each room in the I-House will be carefully redesigned to reduce avenues for self-immolation. Jagged edges will be smoothed, windows barred shut, mirrors replaced with unbreakable plexiglass, and circus clown clocks will be programmed to sing and dance on the half-hour to alleviate depression. “It’s a tough problem, but we can’t just slit our wrists and watch them bleed,” Punani said.

When asked if the friends of recent suicide victims would be upset by such a plan, he responded, “Fuck ’em. Where were these so called ‘friends’ when it counted? These damn suicides cost us thousands in lost fees. And why the hell does the I-House look like a mosque? Isn’t this a Christian country?” Our Squelch correspondent walked out at this point in the interview.