A Few Words from the Top

Gather round, it’s complaining time. Something is always wrong on this campus, and few are too shy to keep their mouths shut. From campaigning to kick people off campus, to inquiring how the “Infamous 800” are doing one year later, to the guy at our Sproul table during the Activities Fair who wouldn’t stop bitching about Human Biodynamics majors, people have things on their minds. First and foremost on my mind is reform. Let’s face it: we need some Berkeley reform. Forget campaign finance and that radical fringe of Judaism. Our school needs help. Who better, I ask, then The Squelch to dictate the terms of this reform, offering our divine guidance? It’s not like you’re going to listen anyway. I offer you, yes you, The Squelch platform of the month:

In the spirit of fairness, science majors should be allowed some sleep. Humanities majors, with their later classes and their “discussion” sections (which are just a devious plot to engage in nappy-time) have gotten soft. Therefore, the present timing of classes shall be switched. Political science, English, philosophy, and all those other nonsense classes will be meeting at 8 A.M., and science classes will begin no earlier than 10 A.M. In this same vein, is it fair that only humanities classes get to meet outside on sunny days? We mock the pasty white engineers and physicists, but how can they avoid their fate when they are cooped up in laboratories for hours on end? The nice days in Berkeley are so few and far between, labs should be held outside, the only exception being organic chemistry labs. These labs are so damn meaningless and depressing that no one, not even a Mass Communications major, should have to watch even one take place.

Student housing is at an all time minimum, and the university, with its vast supply of land, does nothing to help the poor grads and undergrads. So what if the majority of the school’s land holdings are around the mouth of the Don River in the former USSR, a region populated by Cossack warriors? We still have Memorial Glade, a perfect place for erecting a multi-story apartment complex. Better yet, empty classrooms could be rented out over night. Each building has a working bathroom and soda and/or candy machine. It’s already sounding better than my place, so you can count me in.

Finally, some smaller points that would make this campus so much better: move the College of Natural Resources elsewhere, like Peralta Community College. I see it as a perfect fit. Mandate that all Daily Cal columnists enroll in The Squelch De-Cal class on writing humor because, honestly, this is just getting silly. Imagine the people that they didn’t accept. It almost makes you want to cry. All students who slam their writing tablets back into place and noisily pack up to leave five minutes before class ends should be expelled or shot on sight. Your professors hate it, your classmates hate it, and, most importantly, I hate it. Uncaring pre-med bastards.

Bitter? Perhaps. A pH reading of this column revealed it to be around 10 or 11. But you feel the same way, deep inside. You just needed someone to say it for you. I honestly don’t mind, I’ve got nothing better to do right now. Sure, the homeless are still homeless, and my sheets haven’t been changed in months, but consarnit, I’m here for you guys. God bless us, everyone.