The Daily Californian, UC Berkeley’s strangely eerie student-run newspaper, stunned the campus community earlier this week with an unexpected announcement. “We have long called The Daily Californian UC Berkeley’s student-run newspaper,” began the official spokesperson. “After much thought and deliberation, the editorial staff has decided that we do not accurately report the news, therefore it would be incorrect to call us a newspaper. Additionally, because our editorial decisions are exceedingly self-serving, we should not claim to be ‘UC Berkeley’s’ either.”
“Furthermore, the use of the term ‘student-run’ is a misrepresentation. Students should learn from their mistakes, and clearly, we do not. Also, our huge fiscal debt indicates that ‘mismanaged’ would be more accurate than ‘run.'” At this point in the announcement, the spokesperson seemed overcome with some sort of unidentifiable emotion. Some experts contended that the emotion was grief, but better experts later suggested that it was probably just gas.
With teary eyes, the spokesperson continued, “With this in mind, we have decided to change the Daily Cal’s motto to ‘The Daily Cal: At Least It’s Free, And It Doesn’t Smell So Bad.'” The spokesperson then fielded questions, but obviously lied at every opportunity. In closing, the spokesperson mentioned other changes in the Daily Cal’s naming policy. The “editors” will now be called “people who don’t check a damn thing,” and Joe Eskanazi will now be known as “Talentless Hack.”
