The Ballad of Eddie and Yoshua

There was a man named Preacher Ed
Who spoke the word of God
At Sather Gate, come rain or shine
To all the Berkeley mob.

But Eddie warn’t the only man
Who liked to preach and yell
There also was a “Yoshua”
Who often spoke of Hell.

Now both these dudes were pretty sure
That what they said was right,
But since their views did not agree
They decided to have a fight.

“God is love, and love is God.”
Old Eddie would proclaim.
“If you don’t follow me,” said Yosh,
“You’re destined for the flame.”

“You stupid ugly sappy man!”
Said Yoshua to his foe,
“I’m in the right, you’re in the wrong.
It’s time this came to blows!”

“Ah-ha-ha-ha!,” the Preacher laughed,
“You’re really quite a fool.
It’s clear to me there isn’t room
For both of us at this school.”

The crowds converged around the spot
At which the fight began
“My money’s on the Preacher,” said one.
‘”Cause Eddie is the MAN!”

“No way, you dope,” replied another.
“Yoshua is a stud.
He’ll turn Eddie inside out,
I’ll bet an eighth of bud.”

The students cheered. The men prepared
To bust out their cans of whup-ass
“Let’s hurry this up!” one freshman said.
“I’m gonna be late for class!”

The men drew nearer, with tightened fists
And fire in their eyes
When suddenly a blinding light
Came streaming from the sky,

The crowd looked up into the clouds
And just who did they see,
But Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
In all of his glory!

“What is all this?” the Lord demanded.
“A fistfight just for me?
Don’t you know there’s room for all
In my divinity?

Eddie’s talk of my dad’s love
Is valid, just and fine.
While Yoshua’s hell and endless hate
Keep infidels in line.

You both may preach the word of God
As I watch from afar.
Now let’s destroy the real enemy,
That psychopath Rick Starr!

And so the whole of UCB
With Jesus, Yosh, and Ed,
Went and beat up poor Rick Starr
‘Till he was surely dead.

The Preacher Eddie said a prayer
And Yosh condemned Rick’s soul.
And Jesus told them “Now there’s room
For both of you on Sproul.”

Big J ascended to the clouds
Having done his duty well.
Preacher Eddie loves us all
And Yosh wants us in Hell.

And to this day the preachin’ men
Still speak of hate and love.
Ed with his Bible and Yosh with his pamphlets
And Jesus in Heaven above.

There is a moral to this tale
That should be plain to see.
Everyone’s got their own beliefs:
Keep yours away from me!