Why Kaczinski is innocent
The truth is that Kaczinski didn’t do it. He’s completely innocent because the real Unabomber is my neighbor. I know, I know. You think that your neighbor is the real one. But I can provide proof. First, his name is Uni, and he works in a hooded sweatshirt factory. Second, he sent a bomb to my house and it blew me up. What? What’s that? You think that’s impossible? I bet you are thinking that I couldn’t be writing this if he had blown me up. Well, obviously I wrote this before he sent me the bomb. Otherwise, how could I write it? Idiots. It’s stupid people like you that are bringing this universe down. I’m tired of all you stupid people in the university. And I’m not just talking about the English majors. All of you, please leave. If you don’t leave, I’ll tell my neighbor to blow you up. Wait! Where are you all going? You idiots! I can’t believe you are running! Are you actually scared? Can’t you see that what I just said is impossible? Can’t you read? I just said he already blew me up, so how could I tell him to go after you? Unbelievable! How did they let you people in?
Why Kaczinski is guilty
You need me to explain this to you? Damn affirmative action! Haven’t you been paying attention? The man is a nut case. He sent bombs to people’s houses! How could you think that he was innocent? Do you think that bombing people is a civilized way to settle disputes? What kind of American are you? And what are you doing reading the Squlech at a time like this? We are in a crisis people! Shouldn’t you be holding a protest or handing out flyers to Asians on Sproul? At least find something to do by any means necessary, damn it! I mean, there are psychos out there, and they need to be caught. My neighbor, for instance.