You know those shirts that say “Baseball is Life” or “Football is Life”? Well, I want one that says “Stalking is Life.” Following a random cute person around is what makes classes worth going to. The possibility of seeing my stalkee(s) is often the only reason I bother going to school. You’ve all pursued the boring type of stalking (termed here “mental stalking”) where you just keep hoping you’ll run into that special someone, but here are some ways to actually make it happen.
If he’s a complete stranger:
This is straight out of _ Stalking 1A: Pathetic Obsessions._ Keep in mind that he may have been coming from a Monday-Wednesday-Friday or Tuesday-Thursday class. If you’ve been noticing this guy enough to want to marry him, then he’s probably following some sort of consistent schedule. It’s not just chance. It’s destiny.
Check other hangouts: If he sticks to one cafe, then keep going back. If the guy doesn’t stick to one cafe, then he is what is known as a “cafe ho,” and shouldn’t be bothered with.
If it’s a library love affair, there’s not much you can do except wait for him to go to the bathroom and then stick a book in his backpack. After he unwittingly sets off the alarm and gets hauled off by the police, you can post his bail and he’ll love you forever.
If you have a class with the poor bastard:
Sit where he sits: If he has a favorite seat, then sit there. Chances are he’ll sit right next to you, out of longing for proximity to that seat (but not to you). If he leaves the obligatory seat in between you two, put something there (candy, underwear, whatever). This will start a conversation. to wit: “Want some candy?” “Sure.” “Let’s get married then.” “OK.” Or: “I couldn’t help but notice you staring at my underwear. I think we should talk.” “You fucking sicko.”
Figure his name out: If there is a sign-in sheet, count back the seats to figure out which name is the Beautiful One’s. Then call him by name. He won’t know your name but will be surprised that you know his. He will then feel obligated to ask your name. You might even get a sweaty handshake out of it. Don’t wash that hand, though.
Until you figure his name out, you’ll need a made-up name for use when discussing your crush with friends. Try naming him by his hair color (“Mr. Green”, etc.). Or, by apparent parasite content (“Tickboy,” “Mr. Lice Guy”). This is Berkeley, after all.
Do an online search: In this electronic age, search engines are an essential tool for any stalker. Your stalkee might be lame enough to have a webpage or something. The problem with this is that he might have a biblical name, which will lead Yahoo to present a variety of fundamentalist Christian websites. While these won’t help you in your stalking, they can be very entertaining.
Talk to him: What?!? That’s crazy! You’d have to be sick to go to that kind of trouble. Besides, it takes all the fun out of stalking. Covert action gives meaning to an otherwise dull existence. It also shields you from almost certain rejection. So get out there, muster up all the love in your heart, and make him sorry he ever crossed your path!