Squelch Weather

Today’s Outlook

Severe thunderstorms with tornadoes and flooding. 65% chance of death or dismemberment. Or else it will be sunny and 72 degrees. No one pays us to put our asses on the line here at Squelch Weather.

Extended Forecast

With warm tropical air moving up from the South Pacific, an upper-level trough extending just south of Alaska, and a strong jet stream, we can see that the perfect conditions exist for something weather-related to happen in the next few days, or perhaps by early November. There is a 15% chance that we are correct, but due to the random variations introduced by quantum flux and the stock market, we just can’t be held to those numbers. If clouds form mid-week, expect them to make shadows on the ground.

Weekly Weather Question

Q: What is the “jet stream” anyway?

A: The jet stream is a high-altitude wind that occasionally travels in excess of 150mph. It is powered by collective flatulence. It pushes the sun across the sky. It was invented by Alexander Jet Stream, IV, in 1821.

Q: That’s not true! You’re just talking out of your ass!

A: If I wanted your opinion, I’d write it for you, you fucking anonymous question-asking motherfucker!