In a surprise statement, singer Paula Cole’s haunting question, “Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?,” has finally been answered. Funded by radio listeners driven mad by Ms. Cole’s mixture of whining and whispering, the Rand Corporation has completed a 6 month study, the results of which they promise to make entirely public once radio stations within the continental United States promise never to play the song again. Sources within the study group, specifically the janitor and a semi-credible prostitute named Lupe, have leaked to the Squelch a small portion of the findings. Apparently, many of the cowboys Ms. Cole refers to are in fact dead and have been for years. Ms. Cole took this news hard, saying, “I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong number,” when she was reached for comment.
Furthermore, a large portion of Cowboys arc located in Dallas Texas, where they participate in a work-release program involving the local jail and a National Football League team (the name of which has not been yet determined as of print date). While the American public anxiously awaits the publication of all 14 volumes that Rand has compiled on the subject, Ms. Cole has already laid out plans to further infiltrate the subconscious of millions of radio listeners with her soon to be released single, “Where Have all the Undersecretaries of the Navy Gone?”