Squelchboy Interview: Jesus Christ

A rare chance to gain insight into the mind of a diety, the Lord expounds on the Easter Bunny, the Pope and gerbils

Three days after his crucifixion on April 10, 0033, Jesus H. Christ rose to heaven, making himself into an instant celebrity and the inspiration for several cult followings. It is a lesser known fact that after this untimely departure, Jesus returned to Earth once again, this time in 1978 to Berkeley, CA. Again he was born in the back of a smelly, decrepit building filled with Livestock (Blondie ‘s). Christ was appropriately born to the poorest of the poor: two gutter punks. Both Itchy “Got a tattoo on my face so I can’t get a job but can still bitch about the system ” Rollins and his beautiful girlfriend, Snarl, raised the young messiah as best they could. Jesus’ upbringing included the selling of candy on Sprout and debating with its numerous wise sages. With such real world experience under his belt, Christ never had the need for formal schooling. We caught up with the Lord this past week near Strawberry Creek and he agreed to give us an interview.

SQUELCH: Thanks for the interview.

JESUS H. CHRIST: No problem. Newsweek was actually my first choice, but every time I called, they hung up.

HS: Must’ve been annoying.

JC: No kidding, y’know, me being the Savior and all.

HS: So what brings you ’round this way?

JC: Well, as you know, it’s Easter. The time of my resurrection. For almost two thousand years people have been properly celebrating it, with lots of time in church and all that sort of good stuff. Now I look around and what do I see? A frickin’ rabbit getting all the attention!

HS: The Easter Bunny?

JC: Is that what he’s called? I died for your sins, and you worship a gigantic rodent passing out brightly colored chicken embryos? It’s my resurrection, for Christ’s sake!

HS: Pun intended, I’m sure.

JC: What?

HS: Never mind. Moving on.

JC: Yeah. Well, anyway, I’m trying to think up new ideas for Easter celebrations that have more to do with me. Heck, I could take the Easter Bunny’s place. Who says I can’t give out little brightly colored treats? If I can bring the living back to life, I sure as shit could pass out chocolate bars.

HS: There’s an idea. Would you dress up as a rabbit?

JC: What??? Of course not! You want me to look like a freak? Just imagine it, flocks of my children gathering at my feet while I pass out candy and benedictions, lead them in an egg hunt, maybe walk on water a couple of times, just to impress the older kiddies.

HS: Sounds like fun.

JC: Yeah, maybe get the Pope to help me out. He could hide a ton of eggs in that hat.

HS: The Pope? He just went to Cuba, didn’t he? He actually met Castro.

JC: Gay.

HS: Who? What?

JC: He’s gay as spandex. Likes gerbils too, if you know what I mean. Jesus knows all your sins.

HS: You’re saying that homosexuality is a sin?

JC: No, dipshit, I’m talking about the gerbils. My dad didn’t spend an entire day making the little guys so they could get shoved up poop chute.

HS: You really know everyone’s sins?

JC: Oh yeah. And stop thinking those thoughts, it’s disgusting.

HS: Well, that’s really all the time we’ve got today.

JC: Besides, Guy Branum could never get into that position.

HS: Well, thank God for that.

JC: You’re welcome.