Student Attacked By Mob

Sophomore student Pike LaPike was attacked early Thursday evening on the corner of Bancroft and Piedmont. The attackers, a huge mob of students, are currently being detained for questioning. The Squelch spoke to one assailant, who said he was merely responding to a sign on the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house that said, “Rush Pike.”

The unwitting LaPike was not hurt in the incident. “Luckily,” LaPike said, “I had my pike on me, with which I was able to drive away the mob. I was also fortunate in that I had just piked a pike in the bay. They’re good fish.” After Pike piked the pike and piked away the Pike mob, he biked up the pike to Pike to visit his friend, Galaramie.