A group of Berkeley researchers, during a stunning press conference yesterday morning, announced the results of a groundbreaking study. According to their findings, life is the leading cause of death in America. It turns out that if you are alive, you have a virtually one hundred percent chance of dying. “It’s a very surprising result,” commented Dr. Alvin Pahrent, the professor behind the study, “To be honest, we thought the leading cause of death in America would be accidental exposure to ABC’s TGIF lineup. This is totally unexpected.” Dr. Pahrent’s next step is to expand his data set to include other countries. “If this result holds up around the world, we may be in the middle of the most insidious epidemic ever to plague the human race,” asserts Pahrent. He and his group are currently petitioning the government and several prominent research institutions to dedicate considerable funds to finding a cure for life.