University police are holding fourteen gutter punks for trespassing after the youth were discovered living in the basement of the Campanile. Anthropology professor Kent Kerbeck found the inebriated band after descending into the basement to look for records of comparative penis lengths across early cultures.
“I was just looking around, and it was kind of musty, and then I was like holy shit,” said the world renowned specialist. Kerbeck pulled out his cellular phone and called university officials for guidance. “I knew something wasn’t right. Usually you don’t see those fuckers on campus,” commented Kerbeck.
After police arrived, the Campanile vagrants were summarily beaten for violating campus policies that strictly forbid “touching our cool shit.” University representative Tammy Baking commented, “Sometimes it’s difficult to keep those bastards out. Just think if one of them had died down there…the smell would have been awful.”
The Campanile dwellers were not available for comment, but campus officials believe they may have been living underneath the historic building for months. Urban planning major Mike McConnell explains, “It has become increasingly competitive for cardboard boxes in the Berkeley area. A mass exodus of upper-middle class suburban kids into the streets has really affected the panhandling community.”
Berkeley police also have noted an increase in the gutter punk population over the last few months. To combat the threat, the department recently acquisitioned new Beat-Down Sticks with bigger sweet spots.
