You may have noticed already that the male populace of Berkeley can be separated into five categories. Follow in the footsteps of these bastions of manliness as I take you through the steps of finding, courting, and capturing your own lovely maiden.
Where you will find her: Most likely online, the only other possibility being Cory Hall. How you will know she’s your dream-lady: She’s breathing (optional). What you will tell your friends about her: “She really gets my hard drive working (snort snort).” How you will approach her: Ask for cybersex. Results: I’m sorry, you will never get any women. Ever. Unless your name is Byron and you can do 160 pull-ups. Otherwise, forget about it. Seriously.
Where you will find her: Squatting amidst the filth and squalor of People’s Park. How you will know she’s your dream-lady: You two have matching dredlocks and the same gripes about ‘Corporate America.’ What you will tell your friends about her: In between your strenuous schedule of threatening people with knives and playing your pan-flute at 3 a.m., you will tell your fellow street folk that you’ve met a very lovely girl. How you will approach her: Offer her your favorite skull-shaped eyebrow ring as a token of your affection. Results: Congratulations! You two decide to raise a mangy, surly dog together.
Where you will find her: One of those damn MCB-sponsored Barbecues I never get invited to. How you will know she’s your dream-lady: She has a higher GPA than you do, indicating abilities which can be exploited for your own personal gain. What you will tell your friends about her: You have no friends. How you will approach her: Ask to copy off her midterm. If she refuses, do it anyway. Results: You also will never get any women, you pathetic sons-of-bitches.
Where you will find her: In Pappy’s Pub before 11 a.m. How you will know she’s your dream-lady: She matches any or all of the following criteria: (a) She has large Greek letters on her shirt. (b) All your male (and possibly some of your female) friends have slept with her. (c) She’s drunk. What you will tell your friends about her: Anything involving a lot of drunken yelling and swearing and her name. How you will approach her: Roofies. Results: Scabies
Where you will find her: Lower Sproul How you will know she’s your dream-lady: She enjoys your singing, perhaps gives you money, reminds you of your mother. What you will tell your friends about her: You, unfortunately, like MCB majors, have no friends. Fortunately, unlike MCB majors, you’re too cool to need them, Ricky Baby! How you will approach her: “Hey beautiful, let’s make love.” Results: Rejection (which will take him a full twenty minutes to forget).
As you can see, friends, love ain’t easy. You can always take the high road and join the Squelch, whose male members assure us they are too busy working to ever date (pathetic sons-of-bitches).