The X-Files

A liberal dose of terror

SCENE 1: Telegraph ave. – day > “Berkeley, California / April 28, 1998 / 7:42 AM” appears at the bottom of the screen. Mulder and Scully are seen walking up Telegraph Avenue, toward campus, an eerie fog parting behind them. A homeless man sleeps in an alcove, drenched in his own sick.

SCULLY: Well, Mulder, we’re here. What exactly are we looking for?

MULDER: (motions broadly) Look around, Scully. What do you think?

SCULLY: I think we’re on another of your wild goose chases. What is it this time? Sasquatch? Aliens being experimented on up at Lawrence Berkeley Labs?

MULDER: No, Scully. Those are just myths – pipe dreams. I realize that now. No, we’re looking for something thought to be extinct. But here, in this bizarre relic of a bygone age – this “Lost World,” if you will – we may find some individuals, maybe even a small population…

SCULLY: You don’t mean…

MULDER: Yes, Scully, that’s exactly what I mean. Liberals.

_A young student walks by Mulder and Scully. The homeless man stirs. _

HOMELESS MAN: Spare chaaaange?

STUDENT 1: No, way man. I WORK for my money. Well, my parents do, anyway. Well, actually they pimp out my little brother. But the point is that THEY work.

SCULLY: (sighs) Mulder, I think this may be your biggest pipe dream yet.

SCENE 2: Sproul plaza – day

_”11:03 AM” appears at the bottom of the screen. Mulder and Scully stand in the middle of a teeming Sproul Plaza. An eerie fog parts around them. All around, students jostle, trying to get to class. Various student groups, including religious groups and fraternities, try to hand out literature and flyers to passers-by. Scully leafs through a Daily Cal. _

MULDER: This is fascinating, Scully. One of the world’s icons of liberalism. A bastion of free thought. And look, no one is even pausing to hear what anyone else has to say.

SCULLY: That’s because it’s all drivel, Mulder. Nothing worth hearing has come out of Berkeley students in almost thirty years. (points at Daily Cal) And this newspaper is terrible! What kind of headline is “Power Failure Causes Blackout?” And this Joe Eskenai guy stole half these jokes from Bazooka Joe. Maybe he IS Bazooka Joe!

_A student tries to maneuver around a religious devotee, but gets caught. _

DEVOTEE: Have you taken into your heart the words of the savior? Open your mind to his teachings!

STUDENT 2: Get out of my face, freak! My mind is open enough already! I’m a free-thinking, liberal Berkeley student! I don’t need to listen to you!

SCULLY: See, Mulder? Even the students who think they’re liberal are terribly closed-minded. This is a lost cause.

MULDER: (gives piercing, knowing look) Really, Scully? Maybe. But I think… Oooh, look! That guy handing out the humor magazine just got punched in the gut!

SCULLY: You’re an idiot, Mulder. That’s the legacy of the free speech movement?

FRAT GUY: (to passing FRESHMAN) Hey, man, rush Buncha Fuckin Jerks. We’re havin’ ribs tonight, and…

FRESHMAN: Get lost, jerk-off.

MULDER: (grabs Freshman) You! Do you consider yourself liberal? Open-minded?

FRESHMAN: Yeah. I guess so.

MULDER: Have you ever been to a fraternity? Do you know anyone in a frat?

FRESHMAN: Well, no, but… Well, I’ve heard things…

MULDER: (tossing the freshman aside, into the gaping maw of Guy Branum) This is ridiculous! Not two seconds ago he said he was open-minded! Come on, Scully. I think I know where we can find some answers.

SCENE 3: Outside Dwinelle Hall – night

“8:45 PM” appears at the bottom of the screen. An eerie fog parts around Mulder and Scully. Dwinelle Hall seems almost menacing – looming over the two agents.

SCULLY: This is where we’re going to find answers?

MULDER: Yes, Scully. I’m sorry we got sidetracked. I thought those – what were they called? BAMN? – protesters might have been liberals.

SCULLY: You shouldn’t have asked them to elaborate on their views. Their whole organization chased us! I’m glad we didn’t have to shoot either of them.

MULDER: (nods) Yes, Scully. But now that we’re here, I think this edifice might hold the answers we seek. It is my contention that thirty years ago, to avoid the government conspiracy against them, the last of the true free-thinking liberals entered this building – a building which contains within its labyrinthine corridors a gateway to another realm… (trails off profoundly)

SCULLY: Do you always have to talk like that?

MULDER: Come on.

Mulder and Scully walk toward Dwinelle, an eerie fog parting in front of them. Mulder pauses at the door, looks at Scully, then pushes his way inside. An eerie green glow surround them both.