Most people wait until right before graduation before reflecting upon their college experience. Unfortunately for me, only the evil demons within Sproul Hall and VLSB know when that date will be, and they refuse to tell me. So, in case I never get the chance again, this is my forum and here is my diatribe:
The English language, even though it is loaded up the wazoo with words, lacks an adequate synonym for the word “learn.” I mean, you’ve got your “know” and “studied,” but let’s face it, these are laughed at by the other words in the thesaurus. If someone on the street were to ask me, as they often do, what have I learned in college, I would have nothing to say. Oh sure, I could spout out stuff about gluconeogenesis, fast twitch muscle fibers, and maximal oxygen consumption, but what kind of learning is that? This means little to the common person, and is really only important to me around exam time. As a result, I have been forced to alter English as we know it and create two new words. One is really just “learned” capitalized (this is a neat trick I discovered in older writings when emphasis is needed. Try it, it’s Fun!), and the other is a Yiddish word turned into some new part of speech. At col lege, things are learned, Learned, or “putzed.”
Something is “putzed” if you feel like a “putz” after remem bering it. This covers many areas, from your tele-bears personal identi fication number to, oh, organic chemistry. Your academic success is based on how much you can putz; most people don’t know that GPA actually stands for Grade Putz Average. Don’t be fooled, however, into thinking that putzing only takes place in the classroom. I’ve putzed that sororities only have girls in them. Imagine that! I also putzed that a fraternity bid is not a passport to fun and excitement. It doesn’t even get you on any of the cool rides on campus.
So if that’s what I’ve putzed, then what have I learned? Well, I learned that landladies suck. They charge rent and stuff, and expect you to pay…on time! I learned that college isn’t like the movies: college students have to do some studying in movies. I learned that an elected body of your peers (by definition only) can accomplish little more than dressing up every Wednesday to yell at each other and give people money. I’ve learned that TV is good, but SportsCenter is better. Finally. I’ve learned that, no matter how much you beg and cry, Cal sports will not do any of the following: nab a Top Five recruit for more than one year, maintain possession of the fourth quarter, win. or have successful years in multiple big money sports (rugby, swimming, water polo, and all those other sports that no one really cares about are not included).
Now for the big stuff: what have I Learned? What does it mean to Learn? One has Learned when one has discovered eternal truths. I have Learned that all girls inherently know how to dance, regardless of whether they admit it or not. I have Learned that the Daily Californian is a beautiful concept in theory but, much like Communism, fails when put into practice. I have Learned that I will never graduate, no matter how many credits I have and no matter how many times I sleep with the female voice of Tele-bears (she’s actually quite pretty, I assure you). Lastly, I have Learned that no one in the real world cares what you have Learned, or even what you have putzed. They care if you look good in a suit and how much money you can acquire for them, legally or illegally.
So, freshmen and new readers, take heed of my advice. Why waste time putzing when you could be learning or, even better, Learn ing? Get the fake ID now, start drinking heavily, and give all your money to the Squelch. We know how to manage it, I swear. We putzed that in Business Administration 10.