Southside Terrorized By Serial Pillager

The Berkeley Police Department has announced that there is a serial pillager on the loose in the Southside area. Victims say the pillager “rides a horse,” is “about 6’4″, dirty, with a long, heavy sword and big boots,” and resembles “a Viking.” An officer said that the serial pillager has not been apprehended, and that students should immediately call 911 if they see any suspicious characters riding on horseback with sword in hand.

On Monday morning, the pillager broke down the door of a house on the corner of Ellsworth and Dwight and then proceeded to ransack it. He smashed all the furniture, took all the gold, and raped all the women, according to one of the occupants of the home.

“He stole all my gold. And I had a lot of gold,” said the victim. “I asked him not to hurt me, and told him I would give him anything he wanted, but he just grunted. Then he took all my gold and raped all my women.”

The following day at a home on College and Haste, the serial pillager struck again. The modus operandi was similar, only this time, besides smashing all the furniture, taking all the gold, and raping all the women, he also took all the silver as well as a new pair of boots.

Police say they have no leads. They are afraid that if the pillager has the chance, he will engage in the popular Viking activity of throwing babies in the air and catching them on sharp sticks. Thus, UCPD urges all residents around UC Berkeley to hide their gold, women, and babies until the pillager is apprehended.