Residence Hall Staff Ineptitude Test

Do you have the apathy and general lack of substance it takes to be a
member of the residence hall staff? If you think you may be unqualified enough,
test your uselessness with the…

(psst! look back at the title!)

  1. If a student comes to you with a problem, you should:
    1. Listen and do your best to be of help.

    2. Consult your Resource Guide to find the appropriate solution.

    3. Stab him with a butter knife.

  2. A fight breaks out near your room. The best course of action is to:

    1. Try to break up the fight by talking rationally to the students involved.

    2. Call the police or other available security personnel.

    3. Donate a small portion of your stash and tell them to go chill out.

  3. If a student is on fire, you should:

    1. Grab the closest fire extinguisher and put out the flames.

    2. Push the victim into a nearby restroom and douse them with water.

    3. Point and laugh.

  4. Of the following, the activity which takes teh highest priority over all
    others is:

    1. Assisting a student with a problem.

    2. Studying/keeping up with homework.

    3. Sitting on your couch, staring vacantly into space, and drooling.

  5. Halogen lamps are forbidden because:

    1. They are a fire hazard.

    2. They’re trendy.

    3. Forcing students to get rid of them gives wankers Res Hall
      Staffers an inflated sense of power and authority.

  6. A Res Hall Staff member’s best friend is his:

    1. Resource book.

    2. Whistle.

    3. Dealer.

  7. If a student confides in you that she has contracted a sexually transmitted
    disease, you should:

    1. Comfort her and encourage her to see a doctor.

    2. Give her some pamphlets and information on how to get help and prevent future

    3. Get yourself checked out immediately.

  8. In the event of an earthquake, the best thing a Res Hall Staff member
    can do is:

    1. Keep other residents calm and make sure everyone knows what to do.

    2. Duck and cover until the shaking stops, then make sure your residents leave
      the building safely.

    3. Search rooms for pawnable jewelry.

  9. If you see someone from your building on campus, you should:

    1. Smile.

    2. Say, “Hello.”

    3. Keep your head lowered and mutter obscenities to yourself until he goes away.

  10. A Res Hall Staff member’s key function is to:

    1. Help and comfort.

    2. Serve and protect.

    3. Patronize and annoy.


Give yourself one point for each question you answered “c,” and
zero points for each question you answered “a” or “b.”

0-2: Sorry, that place of drive and determination has no place in
Cal’s Res Halls.
3-4: Not quite lame enough for the Res Hall scene. Try writing for
the Squelch.
5-6: Good, but not Res Hall material. Try applying with the UCPD.
7-9: Wow, you really are a detriment to society! Welcome to the Res
Hall Staff!
10: Overqualified. Your caliber of ineptitude is appropriate only
at the Financial Aid Office.