Prop 209 Warfare

Very recently, a group of young gents and ladies established a human barricade at Sather Gate. Linked together at the arms and legs and standing back to back (much resembling a phospholipid bilayer), they cut off two of the three gates that lead to the heart of this campus. Reactions among bystanders varied, ranging from “this is annoying,” or “that’s really a pain in the ass,” to “Goddamnit get the fuck out of the way your flaming hippie bastards!” The message here, however, is that we can’t take these people lightly anymore. They seem to have studied Rommel, Eisenhower, Schwartzkopf, and Custer as they established a stranglehold at an important chokepoint. This is a wonderful military strategy. Now we here at the Squelch have often been called “insensitive” to the plight of minorities. We’ve also been called misogynistic, lazy good-for-nothings, late for dinner, and smelly two-bit drunks. While we can’t address everybody’s concern, we would like to help out those valiant soldiers of fortune (no, not the A-Team) and suggest two future militaristic moves that may help their cause, as well as get them off our stinkin’ backs.

Take command of the high ground
This is a basic, tried and true rule, dating back to the time of the Great Apes. Every successful army battling on uneven terrain has had control of the higher, elevated area. Reason being: it’s hard to climb uphill. It hurts. Here at Berkeley, we have such hills. For example, the big fricken’ thing thing that leads up to Tolman and many other buildings that I’ve heard of but thankfully have never had to go to. That would be a wonderful spot for them to build a fort or encampment and launch water balloons at unsuspecting racist pigs below them.

Create a dominating naval force
This is right out of Alfred T. Mahan’s The Influence of Sea Power, written in the something-or-other 00’s. In it, he says that having big powerful boats that can shoot people until they are dead is good. Hooray for boats! Now, how imposing would it be to be walking along campus when suddenly, as you approach Strawberry Creek, you notice a large fleet of battleships, destroyers, aicraft carriers, and submarines. That would make me crap my pants. All of the officers, of course, would be trained at the Third World Naval Academy. The boats would shoot a large barrage of multi-colored pamphlets, burying their targets and dominating the sea lanes.

Time, space, and a lack of ideas prevents me from suggesting more. In closing, I would like to say that I do not support warfare as a form of policy unless it’s for a really good cause, like free hamburgers or lower prices for basketball tickets. Remember, there ain’t no running from the power ’cause the power of the people is really fast!