Berkeley Student Gives a Shit about Affirmative Action

Tempers flared last week when an unnamed Berkeley student defecated on the BAMN table on Sproul Plaza. The incident followed a heated argument between the student and BAMN member Heather Bergman regarding the minority status of Eskimos on the Berkeley campus.

“Berkeley students have been taking shit from BAMN for too long,” the anonymous student told reporters. “I decided to give some of it back.” In reaction to this statement Bergman went off on another one of her long-winded diatribes, at which point most reporters left the scene.

The pooper in question faces charges of lewd conduct, indecent exposure, and shitting in public and is currently in the custody of the Berkeley Police Department. When asked about the D.A.’s plan of action, Alameda County Deputy D.A. Humberto Montoya said, “Poop is cool.” Jury selection is expected to begin next week.