In light of the controversy over recent developments in Iraq, not to mention controversy over recent “developments” in President Clinton’s pants, it has become increasingly obvious that the solution to the continuing Gulf Crisis will not be an easy one. Desperate times call for desperate measures. But anyone who has followed the situation in Iraq knows it is no longer desperate, it is just plain stupid. Thus, my proposal for Iraqi statehood:
Political Rationale: Saddam Hussein’s dictatorship has been accused of rampant murder, blatant lies, complete disregard of international accords, and burdening his people by diverting his nation’s riches to those in positions of power. He abuses the moral principles of one of the world’s major religions while simultaneously claiming to be promoting them. He has never ,been the governor of a state in the USA.
Ronald Reagan’s former presidency has been accused of rampant murder, blatant lies, complete disregard of international accords, and burdening his people by diverting his nation’s riches to those in positions of power. He abused the moral principles of one of the world’s major religions while simultaneously claiming to have been promoting them.
Ronald Reagan was once the governor of California. With the possible exception of the fact that Hussein is a madman who is prone to declaring Islamic holy wars against people who cut him off in traffic, he would make a decent governor., by California’s voting standards. He’d fit right in. Put a ten-gallon hat on the man, and he’s the equivalent of a Texas oil baron. Shave his head and stick him in camouflage and he’s a paranoid paramilitary extremist in Montana. Knock out all but one of his front teeth, replace two-thirds of his brain with Play-Doh and put him in a pickup, and he’d be a Mississippi local. Either way, deep down underneath, he’s as American as apple pie and nuclear bombs.
Geographic Rationale: Our country has regions- the North, the South, the West, the Midwest, and the East. Due to the hasty nature of Manifest Destiny in the mid-1800s, early settlers forgot to make a Mideast. Meanwhile, to the dismay of skeptics, top-secret photos from our multi-billion dollar CIA spy satellites have shown convincing evidence that Iraq is located in “the Middle East”. The US needs to exercise it’s God-given (or perhaps Allah-given) right to annex something Mideastern and finally attain regional equilibrium.
Legal Ramifications: This is why the Founding Fathers made the Constitution “flexible”-they knew they were smoking way too much pot at the time to remember everything, so they wrote it in pencil. That’s why we can make new states, if we run out or them or something.
Moral Ramifications: If we capitalist pigs had morals, we wouldn’t have stolen all this land from the Indians. To hell with morals! We’ll just have to settle for being consistent. Possible Intellectual Criticism: “This plan sounds potentially violent. And it ignores the most important voices-the voices of the people!”
Rebuttal: Shut up or I’ll shoot you.
Other Criticism: “Your proposal’s map shows Iraq as it would be if it were in the United States. How exactly do you propose to mov-”
Other Criticism: [thud]
In conclusion, we can see that the answer to the Gulf Crisis has been right under our noses the whole time. And that’s too bad, because it smells like shit, because it is full of it. Being full of shit is, after all, the American Way.