A Peculiar Problem

Nowadays the process of abortion seems simple enough. Barring interference from right-wing extremists who demand that you the let clump of cells in your womb grow into a healthy little welfare leech, getting rid of an unwanted pregnancy is, to put it simply, a piece of placenta-flavored cake. However, many women who have undergone this process are then faced with a rather pressing question: “Okay, I got the fetus out of me, now what do I do with it?” The black market won’t take unfinished goods and God knows the adoption places won’t touch it, so what the Hell are you supposed to do with this little half-person? Well, worry not, dear reader, for I, being the die-hard feminist sympathizer that I am, have put together a little guide to help our feminine audience put their little “canceled Americans” to good use. So put away that biohazard receptacle and turn off the garbage disposal, because you’re about to witness a world of fetal possibilities unfold right before your eyes.

The best thing to do is have fun with your fetus. A sports fan? You may not be aware of this, but a fetus can be a very versatile piece of sports equipment. Whether used as a slick hockey puck, a lacrosse ball, or even a hopscotch marker, he aborted fetus will add a new dimension of liveliness to any sporting activity. If alternative athletics are more your cup of tea, you may want to consider a nice game of hackeyfetus with a few of the bro’s. And the fetal fun doesn’t end with sports, either. Throwing a birthday party for your younger sibling? I’m sure any group of elementary school kiddies would be overjoyed at the chance to participate in Pin the Tail on the Fetus, Bobbing for Fetuses, or the ever-popular Dodge-fetus, and afterwards you can entertain the young’ns with “Freddy Fetus and his Puppet Pals.” If the party crowd is a little older, everyone loves a kinky game of spin the fetus. Trust me.

But dead preemies aren’t all just fun and games; they have no end of practical uses. Paperweight and doorstop are two of the more obvious choices. A fetus dangling from the ceiling of your garage will let you know when to stop the car. Out of cat food? Douse would-be junior with some barbecue sauce and give kitty something to gnaw on while you run to the store. Oh, no! It’s your little sister’s birthday and you spent all your money on crack and beer! No problem. Just dress your fetus in a little dress and it’s happy birthday Sally. She’ll love you forever.

Now, I know what many of you are probably thinking: “Sure, Matt. Recreational and practical uses are fine, but I’m hungry!” Well, my peckish friends, I have the answer to your culinary dilemma. How does a nice fetus Caesar salad sound? Followed by some delicious fetus chops in applesauce with some fetus sorbet for dessert? That’s right folks, your fetuses are edible! You say cannibalism? I say waste not, want not. Just ask Jonathan Swift! If you’re interested in impressing party guests with sophisticated stillborn cuisine, run out and grab a copy of Fetal Delights: Fifty Ways to Turn an Unwanted Pregnancy into a Seven-Course Meal by Wesley Spetzer. I recommend the “Aborted Fetus Surprise”. What’s the surprise? It’s got a goddamned fetus in it, that’s the surprise!

So you see, my friends, whether it’s a casual day on the field, a rough day in the office, or a fancy dinner party with the friends, there are countless ways an extracted unborn child can make your life easier. So for God’s sake, people, STOP LEAVING THEM IN MY MAILBOX!