(Squelch Medical College Admission Test)

Ah, spring. Is there no greater joy in life than to watch the change of the seasons and to witness the rebirth of a fresh, green world? Well, not if you’re a freakin’ pre-med. Yes, that’s right my friends, it’s time to get ready for that darn MCAT. So you think you have what it takes to be a doctor? HA! Well, since there’s no way for me to judge that, I can’t say. But my traumatic experience as an MCB major has granted me much insight into what it takes to be a pre-med student at Cat. And let me just tell you guys- you suck. Let this article serve as a warning to all young naive freshmen and transfer students who would like to become pre-med. DON’T DO IT! Well, if you’re not going to listen to me, then just take this very easy quiz to see if you have what it takes to be a pre-med student at Cal.

Biological Sciences

  1. If your professor is right-handed, you should probably kiss:
    1. the left butt cheek
    2. both butt cheeks, just to be safe
    3. why bother with the cheeks? I just shove my nose up his ass
  2. You know a lot about laboratory technique because:
    1. You took a lot of lab classes
    2. You’ve done research in a lab
    3. You were born in a lab (applies only to rats, monkeys, and that really fucking annoying girl in my MCB discussion)
  3. A friend is someone:
    1. you can trust
    2. who lets you cheat off their exam
    3. that doesn’t score higher than you on the exam
    4. an imaginary being, like Snuffeluppigus
  4. You would like to become a doctor because:
    1. you had a lot of fun playing doctor as a child
    2. you think all doctors look like Noah Wyle
    3. you’re a greedy-ass bastard
  5. The Henderson-Hasslebach equation refers to
    1. you know, that stuff
    2. the proportion of an unprotonated acid to its protonated form, as dependent on pH and pKa of the acid
    3. the probability that Florence Henderson and David Hasselhoff will do a TV show together


  1. The square root of 843,000,000 is:
    1. really big
    2. 29034, pretty much
    3. less than my future yearly salary

Verbal Reasoning

Johnny was driving to school when he witnessed a car accident in front of him. One man was ejected from his car and lay on the shoulder of the road, bleeding. Johnny pulled over, and administered CPR to the man while another motorist called for an ambulance. When the paramedics arrived, they thanked Johnny for his quick thinking, saying that the man in the accident may have died from shock if Johnny had not helped him. The man later made a full recovery, and also thanked Johnny for his help. Johnny missed his first class that day because of the time spent at the accident scene.

  1. Johnny is obviously:
    1. gay
    2. a very good person
    3. really stupid. How can you catch up if you miss one day of class?
  2. I would identify myself with Johnny because
    1. I know CPR
    2. I would try to help someone like he did
    3. I know how to drive
  3. Johnny probably feels
    1. relief that the man survived
    2. proud that he helped another human being
    3. people have feelings?


Mostly A’s: God, you’re a dummy. Since there are no underwater basket weaving courses here, I suggest you try for the Human Biodynamics Major.

Mostly B’s: You would make a great doctor. Too bad you have to compete with so many assholes to become one. Give it up- you’ll never win. I suggest renouncing school and singing on lower Sproul to collect change in your empty Quik can/amplifier.

Mostly C’s: Congratulations! You have what it takes lo be a pre-med student at Berkeley. Too bad you have none of the ethics or compassion that go into making a good doctor. God, I hate you assholes.